


Look at me

by DebbyBacellar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Psychological Drama, Romance, Virgin Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 08:05:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4130559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DebbyBacellar/pseuds/DebbyBacellar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus survived, but his pain was too great to bear. Harry knew in his heart that would do anything to help the Potions Master... Anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MyFirstistheFourth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyFirstistheFourth/gifts).



> Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all characters belong to JK Rowling and various publishers. I do not gain any profit except the pleasure of writing and giving life to my crazy dreams.I did not have a beta, but now I have the best of the best of all time;)  
> MyFirstistheFourth. Please read her An Unplanned Lesson and The Courtship of Harry Potte also, And all of Sherlock fandom. She addicted me in Johnlock! They is simply wonderful. Already, thank you for your attention. Enjoy the ride.
> 
> I'm not a native English speaker
> 
> It's my first slash. ;). I hope you enjoy.
> 
> xxx

**LOOK AT ME**

**By Debby Bacellar**

**xxx**

**Dori me... Interimo adapare... Dori me.**

**Ameno, ameno**

**Lantire Lantiremo**

**Dori me**

**xxx**

**My pain ... Renews me ... My pain**

**Softens, softens...**

**Free. Deliver me**

**My pain**

**xxx**

"Look at me ..." The voice of Severus Snape echoed, husky and garbled with blood running down his torn throat following Nagini's bite.

Trembling from head to toe, Harry put his right hand on the pale throat, now covered with red, viscous blood. The liquid was lukewarm in his hand, slowly oozing through his fingers. His grip was not enough to stop the bleeding.

"Look at me." The order was repeated, more clearly now and Harry could not ignore that voice. He looked at Severus Snape ... and got lost in the dark orbs, he obsidian eyes flickering in their sockets. Harry was numb.

Snape stared into those green eyes. Harry's eyes were so very green; like a forest on a sunny day or an emerald freshly polished, like the glare of the Killing Curse… like Lily's eyes.

Severus could not die without fulfilling their mission.

Severus raised his left hand, his clammy palm covering Potter's hand on his neck.

Harry moved closer to the pale man, blood smearing everywhere. It was not a spell, but suddenly, silver tendrils drifted out of the eyes, nose and mouth of Severus Snape. Harry knew, they were the man's memories.

He felt the tingle of another's magic against his skin, as he watched the tendrils move slowly towards him. Snape was seeking permission. It was a strong feeling and Harry immediately accepted. With his consent, the silver threads entered through the his own eyes, nostrils and mouth and Harry saw everything instantly.

Harry saw with frightening clarity the images that flooded his mind as Severus's memories were given to him.

He saw Dumbledore being treated by Snape because of the curse of Marvolo Gaunt's ring. He saw how Severus fought to keep Dumbledore alive with a mix of powerful spells and potions to heal him, but nothing was enough. He had only managed to delay the effect of the Curse and Dumbledore would live, at most, for one year more.

The vision was nothing compared to the accompanying sensation that devastated Harry at that moment. A primordial part of Harry knew that these were not his feelings. These were the emotions that Snape experienced. There was such pain, sadness, depression, discouragement, and loneliness.

Harry felt love for Dumbledore. Love that was not his. It was the love that Severus felt for the old wizard, a son's love for his father. A love that did not measure consequences. He would do anything that Dumbledore wanted or asked.

Harry saw Snape standing in the middle of a dusty room filled with books . His hands were intertwined with Narcissa Malfoy's as Bellatrix cackled around them both. With the waving of Bellatrix's wand, golden threads of magic twirled around their joined hands in a figure eight, shook their linked arms and then immediately vanished. Snape was being forced to accomplish the task for Draco, if the blonde could not fulfill his duty.

Harry felt the uncertainty and dread Snape carried. Then the unexpected happened, Albus Dumbledore asked Severus to kill him. In order to save Draco's soul and stop his own death, which they both knew would be slow and painful.

Severus knew that, because of the curse, Albus would suffer long before he died. He would lose control of his magic and body, even his sanity before Death welcomed him into her robe.

Severus fought. Merlin, how he fought. Harry heard the heated dialogue.

_"And my soul, Albus? What about me? "_

_"It's a favor, my boy. It is a mercy, not murder. It is a grace._

_"How can you ask that of me? You know what you mean to me ... How can you? "_

_"Your soul Severus, will be free of guilt or burden ..."_ Albus approached, placing his wrinkled hands on the dark haired man's desperate shoulder.

_"I've never met anyone like you. You define the word redemption. You went to great extremes to redeem a mistake made in your youth, when you were still foolish and naive, believing in greatness and glory. You can deny it over and over again, saying that you redeemed yourself out of guilt. But it was not guilt alone Severus. It is love, my boy. Because of your capacity to love and to keep on loving, even when there is no love is greater than anything I've ever seen. A soul like yours, which has killed for the right reasons, can not be damaged. Not for having mercy on an old man. "_

_"No, Albus ... Do not ask it of me, please ..."_  — Harry felt hot, seeing bitter tears falling from Snape's eyes before suddenly realizing he was crying too.

Albus wiped Severus's tears away.

_"I beg you, my boy. You call me foolish and senile every day, but I do not wish for you to see it become a reality. Do it for me. Do it because you love me."_

Severus cried even more, a strangled sound coming from his throat as he nodded briefly, accepting the request of his mentor.

Albus hugged him.

 _"Thank you, Severus. You are and will always be the son that I could not have ... "_  Albus whispered.

_"I can only ask your forgiveness for all the things that I allowed you to suffer for the greater good. For further increasing your suffering, I will die full of regrets. But nothing is worse than knowing that you are in this position today because I did nothing for you when you were younger. "_

_"It's not your fault ..."_  Severus said, his voice choked with tears.

Albus only hugged Severus tighter.

After that, Harry saw another intense fight between Albus and Severus.

_"Harry has to sacrifice his life so that Voldemort can die."_

_"You have raised the boy like a pig for slaughter."_  Severus yelled to Dumbledore's face.

Harry could feel his anger and the feelings of disgust.

_"You used me. I've been your spy, lied for you, risked my life for you. All supposedly to keep Lily's son alive. Now you tell me that he MUST DIE!"_

Dumbledore was unmoved by the fury of the dark haired man. _"Now this is touching, Severus. You care for the boy, anyway?"._

Without a word, Severus raised his wand and called his patronus. The doe whirled around Albus's office, and Harry felt the nostalgia, grief, sadness and emptiness of Snape.

 _"All this time?"_ Albus whispered. A compassionate look stamped on his face.

 _"Always."_ Severus replied.

With a swirl of his robes, Severus left Dumbledore's office. Uncontrolled magic shaking the paintings hanging in every hall he passed, until he reached the dungeons.

Soon Harry was bombarded with other memories. They had an older feel to them, as if coming from many years past.

Harry saw a pale boy, thin and smooth with hair as black as coal. The child was lying in the grass with a girl whose red hair was like flames atop her head, her green eyes contrasting to the cream-colored skin.

Harry's heart raced, he realized immediately who the little girl was. Instinctively, he knew she was his mother, Lily.

 _"Your parents are still fighting?"_ She asked the young Snape. The soft voice tinkling like a bell.

 _"Yes, they keep fighting. But it won't be long now, soon I will be gone to Hogwarts and won't have to see my father."_  Snape said, the small face drawn in a grimace that was reminiscent of his adult self.

_"Your father does not like magic?"_

_"He does not like anything, Lils."_

The memory faded. Another came.

 _"I do not need your help, you Mudblood!"_  Harry heard Snape screaming at a teenage Lily.

Harry saw all the light disappear from his mother's green eyes. Harry heard Snape's own thoughts as he repeated in his head ...  _'It's for your own sake ... It's for your own sake, Lils.'_

Harry saw the teenage Snape in a dark corner of the dungeons, apparently after the incident. He was sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees, and he was crying. He knew he had lost the only friend he'd ever had in his life, forever.

Abruptly, Harry returned to the present. It felt like being in a car at high speed when the brakes were applied sharply.

Quickly, Snape's face came into focus, then Harry glanced down at his body. There was much more blood now.

Snape was gasping, as if he could not get enough air.

Harry felt an insistent twinge in his mind and suddenly he heard Snape's voice inside his head.

_"There is no hope for me... You know what you have to do. Go. And you better win. Impudent brat. "_

Then Snape was closing his eyes slowly. Harry felt more tears falling over his face and a tightness in his throat.

Hermione and Ron entered the decrepit room of the Shrieking Shack.

"We have to go now Harry." Hermione said frantically.

He hated leaving Snape there, but Harry left. He was determined to win, now more than ever.

To win for the wizarding world, for his lost family, and now, to win for Severus Snape also.

...

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy ;)

**xxx**

**So, this is my life**

**And it can't break me down**

**Go, I will decide**

**Who can come in and heal my disease**

**Burn it in flames**

**Kill it and maim**

**Why can't you see that you need to be freed?**

(***)

Harry was sitting in the comfortable chair that he conjured. It was part of his daily ritual. Everyday for five years, he went to St. Mungo's to visit Severus Snape.

Yes, Severus survived but was in magical coma. The medi-wizards could not tell if he would wake up someday, or never. But that did not stop Harry from being there every day.

Snape's name had been cleared, his reputation restored. He was now considered a quixotic romantic hero. Thousands of fans from around the world sent letters to him. Minerva was responsible for organizing the man's correspondence.

_"Harry Potter, our new celebrity."_

The voice of Severus Snape snarled in Harry's memory. He laughed. Oh, if the man sleeping peacefully under the light green sheets knew... Well, Severus, as he called him now, could not accuse Harry any longer, since he himself was a celebrity too.

Harry made sure that Severus received his Order of Merlin, First Class and all the glory and recognition that the other members of the Order received.

Severus received forgiveness for the death of Dumbledore in a trial that Harry made sure was conducted fairly.

The wizarding world owed a debt to Harry and he had learned to call in favors when needed, especially for Severus.

Harry crossed his knees, staring at the pale face. Straight black hair was now well maintained and the skin had a healthy glow. His body was properly cared for and cured of malnutrition. The Nagini's venom was completely extracted and the Potions Master's blood was free from contamination.

Harry was surprised when medi-wizards discovered that Severus had drank a monthly potion to inhibit his libido. They said that the amount found in his bloodstream, indicated that he had been taking the potion since late adolescence.

Harry wanted to know why.

In fact, Harry wanted to know a multitude of things about the man lying before him, appearing to be merely sleeping as his chest rose and fell in steady, deep breaths.

Harry was paying all the costs of Severus's medical care. It was too expensive, but Harry had discovered that he was wealthier than he could ever have imagined.

Harry was the heir to the assets of both the Potter and Black families, and he received obscene amounts of galleons of grateful wizards. Harry had more money than he could spend in five lifetimes.

Harry knew his friends totally disapproved of his blind devotion to Severus, but he felt connected to this man as he had never been to anything else in his entire life.

So much had happened over the past five years. So many doubts. So many discoveries.

Harry was dedicated to Ginny for the first two years, drowned in his obsession for normality. The dream seemed so close, within reach of his fingers. He wanted to live in a house with garden and have three children. But the dream faded like papyrus dipped in vinegar when, one drunken night , Harry surprised himself by fucking none other than Draco Malfoy.

It was amazing. Harry's body sang as Draco used every way possible to draw unimaginable pleasure from him.

Harry had reached a decision about his sexuality.

He found he enjoyed a variety of interesting and intelligent people. The individual's gender did not matter, he was happy with all tribes, colors and ethnicities.

Of course growing up had helped Harry in his achievements and sexual exploits. He became adept at bodybuilding and kept the muscles of his body of well defined. He had grown a bit taller after the war, though. he would never be really tall, still he was considered by many to be a spectacularly gorgeous man. And Harry knew how to use that beauty in his favor.

The engagement ended. The picturesque dream seemed unattainable now. However, Ginny was not as bitter as Harry had expected.

Harry been outspoken with her and she was honest back.

She wanted a career, unlike her mother who only lived for the family, Ginny did not want to have children anytime soon. They realized that they were not what each other needed.

Still, they maintained their friendship.

Harry was godfather to a lovely boy, Hugo Weasley. He was as redheaded as his father and as smart as his mother. The three year old was an urchin, fully wired and running twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.. Harry used to ask his godson where the 'off' button was.

Hugo responded, "My button broke, Uncle Harry."

(***)

Theoretically there was nothing physically wrong with Severus, which made Harry more concerned. If there was something wrong in the physical realm, it could be repaired. Magic was a sensational thing.

(***)

Harry was walking down Diagon Alley, now that he was able to do so unmolested. The attention brought on by his fame had fallen to an acceptable level. Some witches and wizards still stopped to ask for pictures and offer thanks, and Harry was polite enough to give them what they wanted. He never liked being famous, but at twenty-two years old he learned to be well educated.

Things are what they are. He could stay angry with his fame and outraged by the lack of privacy or even the chance to be normal, or he could simply accept life as it was. He understood the gratitude of the wizarding world, but always made it a point to emphasize that he did nothing alone. The victory was not due to a single man.

The victory was because of all who fought and many who died in the pursuit of a just cause.

Harry emerged from Diagon Alley onto the streets of London, the cool air refreshing as it hit his face.

Harry saw the lettering with the name written in light green saying, St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Diseases and Accidents. He entered the building and greeted the receptionist, who knew him well after so many years, before he climbed to the fourth floor and the wing for Magic Damage.

Harry met the healer Hipócretes Smethwhyck, an old man with a jovial air, in the hall with a smile.

"Hello Mr. Potter." The healer straightened his pale green lab coat and put his wand in its holster.

"Hello sir. Some improvement today?" Harry asked the same question about Severus whenever he saw the healer. It was automatic, even if he never expected a positive response.

Today was different.

"Yes." The healer grinned, showing crooked white teeth.

Harry took a full minute to process information.

"Yes?" Harry asked, stunned.

"Yes, Mr. Potter. Today I went to check Mr. Snape and he has begun reacting. He has moved his hands and made slight movements of his body. The magic EEG showed brain activity and a change in magic. That's incredible. A miracle."

Harry blinked his eyes rapidly, hardly believing what he was hearing.

"Do you think there is hope for him to wake up soon?" Harry's heart was pounding in his chest.

"More than hope Mr. Potter, I'm sure." The healer replied softly in a fatherly tone.

Harry gave him a dazzling smile in reply.

He entered the hospital room where Severus still lay.

The man looked the same to Harry, sleeping peacefully in his bed with sheets that bore the hospital standard of a wand with crossed bones.

Harry sat in the comfortable chair that he already thought of as his property and stared at the figure lying in bed. Huge black lashes shadowed the pale cheek, stubblefree thanks to shaving charms that the medi-wizards did each day, along with the cleaning of the patient.

Severus's neck now sported a raised pink scar that spread down over his chest like cobwebs. The medi-wizards were stunned with the amount of incurable magical scars that man had. There were so many of them on his back, torso and legs.

Another person may feel disgust or fear,but Harry could only feel respect when medi-wizards showed him the rosy mark.

Of all the marks and scars on Severus's body, one was no longer there. The left forearm was now bare, free of any mark or taint. The undeniable proof that Voldemort is gone completely.

Harry reached up, scratching at his own face he sighed. He needed a shave. Hermione scolded earlier today, wondering if he was about to grow a beard to rival Dumbledore's. It was overkill, of course. His beard was only a slight growth up, and was neatly trimmed.

For some reason Harry felt sheepish. He had a habit of talking to Severus during his visits, even if did not get any answers. He still talked and talked, about his life, his accomplishments, his failures, his routine. Today, however, he had nothing to say, nothing at all.

"Come on Severus …" Harry whispered. "You are a strong man, you will come out of this. You're as stubborn as I am, I know that.

Harry reached out wrapping his hand around the pale, slender fingers, now free of potions stains.

The nails were neatly trimmed with healthy cuticles,at least St. Mungo's was worth the amount of money that Harry spent here.

Harry dragged his chair closer to the bed. He was so tired.

His last girlfriend, Katie Bell, jilted him a week earlier. She was an extraordinary person, but Harry did not meet her expectations.

It was never a good idea to date someone who worshiped the image of the Boy Who Lived, instead of valuing simply who Harry was as a human being.

He had plenty of faults, but being seen as the media's darling, some people objected when he did something other than what they expected. Kathy was one of those people and therefore the relationship was doomed from the start.

Harry glanced up at Severus's still face before returning his gaze to the pale fingers in his hand. It took a moment for what he had seen to register, but when his brain finally made the connection, his head snapped up suddenly to look closely at his former professor.

Harry's heart skipped two beats, only to resume a moment later beating faster than the wheels of the Hogwarts Express.

A pair of onyx eyes stared at him, but the face was expressionless.

Harry gasped.

"Oh my God! Severus?!" Harry called, thrilled and rising like a rocket from his comfortable chair. The eyes of the Potions Master followed every move Harry made.

"Severus, can you hear me?" Harry asked in a voice choked with emotion.

A twitch of the lips, almost a smile, made Harry look more closely at Severus.

"I have heard you for five years, Potter. My ears work just fine, thank you." Severus spoke with severe hoarseness.

Harry threw his head back and laughed out loud.

"Oh Merlin, is a miracle!" Harry exclaimed while a runaway tear escaped his green eyes.

"I don't believe in miracles" Severus said, his husky voice like melted chocolate. Harry sighed. If Severus's voice, mellifluous and mesmerizing, was something admirable before, now it was just perfectly sexy too.

Harry blinked, startled by his inappropriate thoughts. Ever since he had shared Snape's memories, he had had inappropriate thoughts about the man. At first he blamed himself, but when he came to terms with his bisexuality, Harry could better understand where the thoughts came from. Severus Snape was a hero. A stingy hero, sarcastic, malicious and wicked, but he was still a hero,one of the greatest.

"I'll call the medi-wizards." Harry smiled again at Severus.

One beautifully arched dark eyebrow, rose at that.

"While incompetent, at least they did a good job," Severus said. Harry laughed.

"Do not let them hear you talking like that. You never know what they can put in your soup."

The Severus's gaze went out of focus for a minute. His free hand sliding up to touch the flat stomach. His face scrunched in disgust for a minute before a voracious expression settled on his face.

"Damn Potter, I could eat a hippogriff now! Why are you still here? Go and call the healer" Severus said dryly.

"I've missed those growls." Harry smiled again.

With one last comforting squeeze of the fingers under his hand, Harry let the pale fingers go as he called for the medi-wizard responsible for Severus.

Only later did Harry realize that Severus did not let go his hand, did not yell at him, was not offended or freaked out by having him sitting at his bedside when he woke up.

_"... I have heard you for five years…'_

It seemed that, not only did Harry have intimate knowledge of Severus after sharing his memories; it appeared that Severus had gained five years of privileged information about Harry as well.

Harry winced.

It was lot of personal information. He could only imagine what a Slytherin, the Head of House for so many years even, would possibly do with it all.

In the end Harry smiled.

Severus protected him for so long, even if often cutting and slicing the boy with words, always knowing how to get under his skin. But Severus protected Harry.

Harry realized with a heated flush on his cheeks that he did not want to think very much about how he now felt safe with Severus Snape.

No. He really did not want to investigate those thoughts very closely.

_..._


	3. Chapter 3

**LOOK AT ME**

**By Debby Bacellar**

**[***]**

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

**[***]**

One year had passed since Severus had been released from St. Mungo's. He was astonished to see the positivity with which he was received by the wizarding world.

Severus had received several marriage proposals of passionate witches due to his fame. He was stopped as he walked down Diagon Alley or through Hogsmeade's streets to receive thanks and congratulations on his recovery. His former students came to visit him before he was discharged from the hospital. He was pleased to see that many of his snakes had survived the demon.

Harry visited once every month. Sometimes more. Minerva, Filius, Pomona and Vector, whenever they could get free from school activities, would call him by Floo to talk.

He could not be angry with them.

He could if he wanted to or was actually inclined to fall into his old persona, but he would not do such a thing.

Severus felt, however, that he did not know who he was. Guilt gnawed at him constantly. The grief and longing he felt for Albus was huge, throbbing like a gaping wound in his heart.

He bought a cottage in the countryside in Stratford-upon-Avon, birthplace of Shakespeare. His cottage was far removed from downtown, surrounded by the forest and peace. He had a perfect garden, where he cultivated ingredients for potions along with rare and exotic flowers. There was a small artificial lake full of multicolored koi. Severus could stay for hours sitting in his wicker chair watching the fish dance in the crystal clear water.

The days passed slowly, as he finally took the time to simply walk along feeling the breeze on his face, to listen to the birds singing and the bleating of the sheep nearby. Severus never imagined a life without hurry or being able to live in such a delightfully bucolic setting.

Severus's daysboiled down to landscapes of green fields, bales of hay, honey—colored cottages, numerous flowers and many unique villages, but this perfection simply was not consistent with his personality. The isolation was fine, but the lack of action caught him off guard. He still had his precious potions and they were now his source of financial support. Finally away from the school, he maintained a thriving business. He had all but the most dangerous potions delivered by owl which maintained his precious privacy.

Only selected people were part of his clientele. It would not make sense for him to accept an absurd amount of customers and not have the time or capacity to meet all demand. Besides, he still needed time to devote to his passion for potions research.

Many people were cursed in the aftermath of war with incurable wounds inflicted by mad Death Eaters. Most of the suffering caused by spells of darkness had no cure... Yet. Severus felt a moral obligation to help these people.

But overall, despite the gloom that lingered over Severus almost every day, he could not complain or surrender to grief.

Many people would give anything to have the life, respect and recognition that he had now and Severus Snape knew to be grateful when he should be. He would not spoil the life that he had been granted, even thinking that he did not deserve such blessings as these.

"Oh... Lils." Severus looked at a picture a picture of his childhood friend. She smiled for the photographer (himself) and ran to hide behind a simple Willow at Hogwarts. "He won Lils. Your arrogant brat won." He grinned wistfully as he dropped lowered the picture to caress the forearm free of any brand.

(***)

Severus was walking down the gravel road that led to his cottage. He had apparated as close as possible as his hands were full with his weekly groceries. He could have reduced them if he wanted, but there was something comforting about being able to perform a simple household chore himself without magic. It was so different from what he was accustomed to, something as simple as making your own purchases.

The magical community in Avon were quiet and not pushy. They knew who he was and respected him, but in no way interfered with his life or activities. Severus was enjoying this more deeply than he could say. Severus's feet crunched as he continued up the road. Six years away from the war was enough for him to have lowered his guard, still he suddenly felt that something was wrong.

And it was a mistake.

A mistake for which he would pay.

Severus felt the displacement of air as a spell was cast in his direction by an invisible attacker.

As he rolled on the ground in pain, all that Severus could see were his spilled bags with their contents wasted on the gravel. The wine he had bought, a Sottano Cielo Y Tierra Malbec drained quickly, seeping down between the tiny stones. The smell of wine filled his nostrils seconds before his world went completely dark.

 _How pathetic_ , he thought before passing out,  _dying because of a stray spell…_

Then all coherent thought disappeared, along with the pain that threatened to break his body in half. At least the relief was welcome.

(***)

But the relief did not last long.

Severus woke up in an unknown dungeon, his arms bound by shackles.

His body was hanging. Only the balls of his feet reached the terribly cold floor of the dungeon. With a fear that went down his spine and lodged in his belly, he was horrified to realize he was as naked as the day he was born. He shivered with cold and apprehension.

He looked around trying to think of something, anything that would get him free and away from this place. He tried to Apparate, but the place obviously was shielded with anti-apparition spells. Severus swallowed he swallowed down the bile rising from his empty stomach.

More than an hour later he heard footsteps echoing outside of the iron gate sealing the dungeon where he was.

Then the door opened, the hinges grating with an ominous sound. Severus did not allow himself to react, his face remaining impassive at the sight before him.

A man with blue eyes and blondish hair entered the room. He was strong, his musculature well displayed in muggle clothes. Severus had expected many things. A Death Eater who felt personally betrayed by him certainly, but not a Muggle.

"Hello Professor Snape." The man spoke in a low voice that was deceptively polite.

Severus narrowed his eyes to slits, but made no answer.

The word 'professor' led him to think that perhaps the man was a former student. God knows that many of them would be more than willing to extract Severus's skin when still alive or turn his internal organs into potion ingredients.

"Do you not recognize me…?" The man asked in the same low and polite tone. Severus raised an eyebrow. It would not be good to show fear now.

"You also should not have spared a thought to my brother. He was so tiny, had so much life ahead and you killed him... You killed him…" the man began to babble.

Severus could be accused of all the sins of the world, but never had he actually touched any of his students with violence, much less killed one of them.

"Are you crazy? I have never killed a student of mine. Not for lack of will, of course." Severus replied. Sarcasm dripped from every word. "Where am I?"

The man laughed dully. "In the last place you want to be now or ever, I assure you."

The threat was made so casually yet with such terrifying certainty that Severus's throat closed tightened.

 _'Calm down... You will not do well to show fear ..._ ' Severus thought as he swallowed hard.

"Who are you?" Severus asked, his low tone a menacing purr.

The man walked to the nearest damp wall and leaned against to it. His pale blue eyes stared Severus's onyx ones.

"He was a good boy, you know, annoying at times, but a good boy. He was attentive, loyal, affectionate. He had all his life ahead and because of you the chance to live it was taken from him. He died during the final battle."

Severus shivered again.

"What you are babbling about? I-didn't-kill-any-student!"

"You killed Dennis!" The man spoke harshly.

"Who is Dennis?" Severus asked. His arms were numb from the uncomfortable position. His feet burned due to having to support his weight on his toes for so long, but that was nothing compared to a Cruciatus. Severus searched his mental list of the names of his Slytherins. Such a delayed revenge could only be devised by a spiteful snake.

"Dennis Creevey. My little brother." The man replied with a dark, dangerous voice.

"You are completely crazy. I never even saw your brother on the day of the final battle." Severus replied, anger beginning to grow with the continuing lack of answers.

"You saw us. You walked right past us. We asked you for help. Even though you had killed Dumbledore, when you were Headmaster, you never let the Carrows hurt anyone… too much. You always stopped them. Always. The spells were flying all over and I took Dennis down into the dungeons because it was farther from the focus of the battle and there were more places to hide."

"Before we could turn the corner to enter the dungeons, Amico Carrow saw us. He had a fixation on Dennis... He liked to hurt him more than any other Gryffindor. I never left Dennis alone because of it. I called for you as we ran down the stairs to the dungeons. But you simply moved a statue and entered a secret passage. You even looked right at us…" Colin Creevey said hatefully.

"If you had only stopped. If you had helped us, Dennis would be with me now."

Severus gasped. He remembered entering the secret passage, but he did not hear a cry for help from the two boys. He was not listening.

His Dark Mark was burning like the fires of hell and he was desperate to find Potter. He was so focused that he simply did not hear. The sounds of battle, all the screaming and cursing erupting around the castle at that time had not made it any easier to have heard the boys but that was only an excuse.

"I did not hear you…" Severus whispered, dismayed at his actions anew. If he had heard, he would have helped. By then his spy's disguise did not matter as much as the lives of those innocent children.

"It's a lie!" Colin growled. "You are a fucking bastard, fucking manipulative liar!" Colin, losing his patience, pulled out his wand and shouted,

"Crucio!"

Severus's world erupted in pain. It was a powerful crucio, because Colin had every intention of hurting him. Everything burned; under his skin, through each muscle, and inside every bone. His body tensed sharply and he didn't even realize he was screaming..

"Crucio!" Colin spoke again. The curse seemed far worse than last time as Severus's body was now sensitized. His body shook, jerking in his shackles while drool dripped from his mouth and blood flowed from his nose.

"Crucio!" The third Crucio lingered, as Creevey made a point of showing how powerful he was facing a helpless and chained Snape. The shackles hurt Severus's wrists and his arms ached miserably.

"Crucio!"

 _'I will die here...'_  Severus thought, strangely disconnected from reality, but then the next wave of pain threatened to take his sanity. His powerful scream scratched within the throat marred by scars. He went into convulsions, his eardrums about to explode from overexposure to the curse. If he did not actually die, then surely he would go mad.

Abruptly the curse was cut off.

"Tsk, tsk... I did not know that Professor Snape, the bully, could cry…" Colin whispered. Snape moaned miserably. He had not noticed the tears that were falling down his face contorted, as it was, in pain. Colin gently brushed away the hair that hid Severus's face. The blonde's lips brushed his ear as he whispered: "This is very touching, Professor, but the tears are absolutely useless.

Snape groaned in response.

"What do you want from me?" Severus asked. He was breathless and his voice was hoarse from screaming.

Severus felt with horror the tip of Colin's wand, stroking lightly across his chest, down over his belly to stop at his lower abdomen, dangerously close to his exposed privates. Severus sucked in a sharp breath.

"You have a beautiful body Professor…" Colin whispered. "For a man of your age, you are more than good." Colin's hands touched the scar on Severus's neck. He felt the heated palm on his skin and it took all of his self-control not to cringe and cry in despair.

"I researched your life…" Colin's hand slipped from Severus's neck to the strong chest then down to the stomach and right thigh.

"And I discovered a surprisingly wonderful thing about you." Colin said, a dangerous smile in his voice.

"When I went to St. Mungo's to try to end your pathetic life, I realized it was impossible. Harry was always there, like a ghost, watching you sleep. And at that point you had been romanticized, had been declared the bravest man of all time."

Colin kissed his chin. He was shorter and stood on tiptoe to reach the jaw of the man still hanging due from the shackles. Severus flinched, twisting his head sharply to the side to get as far from Colin's overly familiar mouth as his bonds would permit. His look of fear was impossible to hide.

"You took the Dark Mark at sixteen... You must have felt like you were dirty, filthy… Impure," Colin purred. "So the first thing you must have done was go looking for a spell, anything to make you feel clean, anything that involved sacrifice. You are of this kind, like a sheep who walks of free will to the holocaust."

"When I saw your medical records at St. Mungo's, it struck me that a man like you, powerful and forbidding was adept at inhibiting libido potions. I thought nothing of it immediately. I was not thinking much back then. After I got access to your chambers, I managed to find my answers. The last song you had listened to on your magical phonograph was Ameno... It makes sense for you.  _Ameno dori me. Dori me reo_. Softens my pain, my king. Their king was Dumbledore... There was a picture of him over your fireplace. There was a different photo on your nightstand. I found your diary, Severus... You thought you would not survive."

Severus was practically panting now, his breaths coming faster as Colin continued.

"How did you feel when you killed someone you loved as a father? How did you feel when you hurt the only friend you had in your pathetic life? How did you feel when you delivered the life of the only woman you loved and her family into the hands of a madman? You killed her too, Professor. You killed Harry's mother, you killed innocent Muggles, and then you killed Albus Dumbledore. It hurt, right? I read your pages about your pitiful life, but I cannot take pity on you nor offer compassion."

"And you know deep down that Dumbledore did not love you. He used you again and again, because he knew you were his most valuable pawn. If he loved you as he said, as a father would love a son, he would protect you and never ask the terrible things that he demanded of you. What father asks his son to kill in the name of good? What loving father would ask his son to create potions that cause endless pain for innocents, just to maintain a spy's cover? What loving father, who truly loves his son, asks that son to take his life?"

A strangled sob came out of Severus's mouth. Big tears dripped down his face now contorted with emotion.

"Isn't that ironic, Professor? You continually, year after year, fought for someone who did not care about you. Nobody really cares about you. How can you live without love? Your mother did not care about you, did she? Your father beat you. You've had such a hard life, I know, but I still can not feel compassion for you. You do not deserve love or pity. You killed all those innocent people. Because of you Harry grew up without family, Dumbledore died, and I lost my brother."

"No…" Severus whispered in denial.

Strong hands suddenly gripped Severus's jaw tightly. "No what?"

"I did... I did not hear you…" Severus muttered.

A cold terror spread through the Potions Master. He did not know to what extremes Colin Creevey could go in order to get his revenge. But Severus knew in his heart that it would not be anything good where he was concerned.


	4. Chapter 4

**xxx**

**LOOK AT ME**

**By Debby Bacellar**

**xxx**

"I did not listen... I did not listen you..." Severus babbled.

"That does not matter now, Professor." The honorific title slipping from Colin's mouth like a caress.

"I will purify you much more than your Ritual Corpus Imacullatus. Did you really think for one measly minute that depriving yourself of physical pleasure would somehow redeem you?I beg to differ, sir. Your body may be pristine, untouched and pure, but your soul is beyond unclean.

Colin's hands smoothed their way down the trapped body before him until they brushed Severus's inert member, his fingers absently caressing the soft pubic hair.

"Amazing... Your libido-inhibiting potion works well. There is no reaction, not so much as a twitch. No one has ever touched you here, right? You are a beautiful virgin.

"Do not touch me!" Severus barked as he twisted trying in vain to get away from the younger man.

Colin's right hand suddenly grabbed the nape of Severus neck clutching him tightly as if he were a stray dog.

"Do not tell me what to do, Professor." Colin gripped the silky black hair tightly pulling Severus's head back sharply. The marked throat now displayed for the unbalanced youth's assessment. All Severus could see now was the dark ceiling and high walls covered with green slime. Colin pulled his hair so hard that the Potion Master thought that he might be scalped at any moment.

Severus ground his teeth together so that no sound of pain might pass his lips.

"You know, everything I said is true. You are a damnable killer, filthy and unfit to live. Even if there is no longer a Dark Mark here ... " Colin stroked Severus's forearm slowly.

"You will always be an unfair Death Eater, unworthy of love and compassion. Unworthy of your magic, aptitude and intelligence."

Severus squirmed trying to break free of the grip on his head,but Colin only twisted his fingers more tightly in the long, dark hair.

" _I know the effects of the curse. Albus will lose control of his body, his mind and finally his magic, and at that point, he will be in profound agony... I don't want to have to do this, but I do not see alternative. I don't want him to suffer in any way. If there is any consolation at all, it's the fact that the Killing Curse will be painless..._ " Colin quoted one of phrases from Severus's diary.

"Damn you!" Severus roared.

Colin laughed coldly.

"Professor, professor... It was inspiring. This excerpt from your diary was what changed my mind. I wanted to hurt you for such a long time, I wanted to kill you, but then I read this... The Killing Curse is painless. So I asked myself, what good would it do to kill you? I would only free you from the guilt that I know you carry constantly in your heart. Dying is easy Professor. Living is much harder. And living with your sins, ah, that is a nightmare."

Severus's heart was beating so fast in his chest that he could hear the pounding of his pulse in his ears.

"I researched and studied trying to find something suitable for you. I searched tirelessly, on other continents, through many different countries, until I finally found the punishment you deserve. It is a ritual unknown to European wizards."

Colin took a deep breath and let go of Severus's hair with a violent shove. The deranged man went to the back' of the dungeon, picking up a thick brown rope and an unconscious ocelot. Colin then added a brush made from the bones of Redcaps.

Returning to his post in front of Severus, Colin deposited his collection on the ground.

The Potions Master's heartbeat was erratic by this point. He knew the dangers of inexperienced wizards performing magical rituals. It was not wise. And rituals of blood and profanity were even more dangerous and deadly especially for those who suffered them.

"Colin, please stop to think properly. This will not be good in the end. Let me go and I swear on my magic that I will not do anything against you or your family."

"Your promises are empty to me, professor. My family is gone. My father had a heart attack when he discovered that Dennis had died in a world that he did not even know. My mother committed suicide six months later. All because you did not hear us. I lost all that I loved Professor... I lost everything because you did not hear us."

Again, every phrase Colin spoke was said with the frightening casualness of someone who was sure of what wanted and was doing everything exactly the way they planned.

Summoning a copper knife, Colin held the unconscious feline's body directly in Severus's line of sight. With a precise cut, he opened the animal vertically down the length of its belly. Blood gushed out immediately, the animal's entrails falling to Severus's feet with a sickening sound.

"This will be your karma, professor. May life deliver to you what you gave to it." Colin spoke in contemplative voice.

With slow steps, the blonde man came full circle around the bound wizard. The drops of blood spattered the floor, until Colin formed a complete circle around Severus.

Still holding the body of the gutted feline, Colin bent to pick up his brush from the floor. Blood dripped onto Severus's feet, staining his pale skin, and coloring his feet crimson red.

Colin shoved the brush into the open wound in the small animal's lifeless body.

Severus had seen and done worse in his life, but he felt a strong wave of nausea at that moment. Maybe because he knew that there was nothing and no one to stop the resentful wizard. There was no one to come after him, to rescue him, because Colin was right. Severus was dirty. No one could really want him around any longer than necessary.

"Petrificus Totalus." Collin whispered. Now there was nothing that Severus could do. He possessed the talent to break Colin's spell, eventually he could do it. But a part of him, the piece that wanted to punish himself, did not want to fight his punishment. Merlin knows, Severus deserved to suffer. He should not have been acclaimed. He should have been stoned and then burned on a pyre.

Colin painted the center of Severus's chest with blood. He made two designs of figure eights both vertically and horizontally. The circles that formed the infinity sign crossed exactly in the middle forming cardinal points. Four circles pointed to the north, south, east and west.

In diagonal points, Colin drew four smaller circles, but these he filled with blood, like an artist painting. There were now circles pointing to the northeast, southeast, northwest and southwest.

" _Goobo karma_ " Colin muttered. The circles drawn in the pale skin grew cold immediately beginning to freeze to the point that the skin burned with a pain too intense to bear.

Tears pooled in obsidian orbs. There was nothing he could do. There wasn't even the small consolation of trembling from the pain. He could not even move. The tears spilled from his eyes and fell down his motionless cheeks. Oh God, he was weak and useless. He deserved this, the older man convinced himself.

Colin dipped the rope in the blood that had drained on Severus's feet and accumulated in a puddle. Then Colin wound the wet, bloody rope around Severus's neck like a tie. He made a braid leaving some slack at Severus's throat so that the petrified man did not choke.

 _"Laaca tamarta. Waa qudhmi jirka. Lagu cabudhinayo maanka."_  Colin said.

The rope lit up with an iridescent light, the green glow pulsing like a beating heart. Perhaps that really was the magic glow that Severus's heartbeat yielded.

But soon the bright green became a dirty violet as if the magic was sick.

Severus thought he would vomit, even under the effects of the petrifying charm. Pain and dizziness consumed his body like a corrosive flames.

The brilliance faded slowly like a fog being overshadowed by sunlight.

"Enjoy my punishment, professor. Remember Dennis, remember Harry's mother and Albus Dumbledore. Remember your guilt and live with it. Only pain will atone for your sins. And I guarantee that your pain will be great, just like your mistakes. My punishment for you will be unimaginable. Grotesque. But you know you deserve it, don't you?

Colin stroked Snape's cheek in a parody of tenderness.

"You deserve all this, Professor. I'm just giving you what you need. Come on... You must be tired now. You really are a desirable man, but sleep now and I hope you have wonderful nightmares."

Colin cast a powerful sleeping charm, forcing Severus into complete blackout.

Severus would only discover the consequences of the Ritual later, and as always, the hard way.


	5. Chapter 5

**How can you see into my eyes like open doors?**

**Leading you down into my core**

**Where I've become so numb?**

**Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold**

**Until you find it there and lead it back home**

**(***)**

It was cold. Severus looked around, bewildered. There was a thick fog and the mist clung to his body like a living thing. He was still naked, but could not remember how he came to be in that place... Or even where the place was anyway?

He looked around again trying to orient himself, but the cold clouded his thoughts.

He looked down and saw his pale feet dirty with dark clay. His toes dug into the earth beneath him bringing some sensation to his numb body. He did not know what to do.

Taking a deep breath, Severus smelled forest and petrichor - the wonderful scent of freshly fallen rain in dry soil. He inhaled again, enjoying the comforting aroma.

Severus also smelled the clean fresh scent of wet grass. This time, Severus's keen nose also noticed the smell of blood. He looked down at himself finding an open wound in his chest, a thin line of blood trailing towards his navel. The blood was thick and bright, lit up like a spell.

'Why am I bleeding?'

Severus's right hand touched his chest, his palm covering the wound. He felt that his blood was the only warm thing around and mortal danger surrounded him.

Still standing in the center of a clearing in the middle of a dense forest, Severus looked up. The fog lifted as if by magic, and suddenly everything was clear, illuminated by brilliant sunlight . Thousands of Luna Moths were doing a synchronized dance in the air while flocks of birds took flight.

The largest of the moths flew to Severus. He raised the index finger of his free hand by instinct.

"Why are you here, human?" She asked in a husky female voice.

"I do not know," Severus said with a frown.

"You're missing what is needed to feel us. Your greatest gift is going along with your blood... She's running away from you, dear. She is going away... "

"Who's leaving?" Severus asked stunned.

The moth flapped her wings slightly, but did not fly.

"She has always been inside you, but came from us, nature, earth, sun, water. She was renewed within you every day, such is the cycle of life. But you are sick now and She can no longer be renewed. ".

"What the ..."

"You know, my child ... You know deeply. Every minute, every second, She's going away, abandoning you, returning to the earth and leaving you... ".

"Why ...?" Severus whispered. He knew the answer within himself, but could not say it even if his life depended on it.

"This you also know ...".

Only Severus did not want to remember.

The blood now flowed faster down his chest, oozing through his fingers, but there was no pain.

"Will it be very painful... When She leaves me?" He asked with tears in his eyes, feeling like a helpless child.

"No ... it will be as if it never existed."

The moth flew away, joining the others until Severus could no longer distinguish it.

He looked up again,the clearing seemed to be shrinking around him, as if the trees meant to choke him. Between the breaks through the thick leaves he could see the sky, an odd shade of pale yellow and pearly pink.

Strange clouds formed overhead. The butterflies and birds were gone.

A heavy rain began.

He still looked up letting the first drops fall on his face and flow over his body. Lowering his hands, he let the water mix with his blood as if it could wash his dirty soul.

The water became the blood of all those who died because of him.

There was blood on his hands.

Lily's blood, Albus's blood and Dennis's blood.

It's raining blood... It's raining blood... It's raining blood...

It was dark now and Severus was covered with the viscous carmine liquid.

At first he did not hear anything but the patter of the raindrops falling onto the foliage, and against his skin. Then suddenly he heard:

"Come on Severus ... You are a strong man, you will get out of this. You're as stubborn as I am, I know that ... " Potter's voice whispered from somewhere deep in the sweltering forest.

What was he doing here?

"Potter ?!" Severus asked turning around, looking in vain through dark stifling forest.

"Hold on, Severus. I will not leave you alone. "- Potter spoke desperately, as if he felt Severus's immeasurable loss.

"This is my destiny, Potter, and it is deserved. No one can escape their destiny. I was living on borrowed time and I know ... I feel inside me that my time is running out. " Severus explained to empty air around him.

"She left me, Potter" Severus muttered in a sorry tone. "I almost do not feel it now ...".

Severus lowered himself to the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees. He buried his head in the circle of his arms and inside his makeshift protection all he could see were pools of blood on the black ground beneath him.

He took a deep breath again, trying not to give in to despair, but the air seemed insufficient.

Suddenly he found himself deprived of sight, his surroundings gone dark, but he could still smell the ocher scent of blood saturating the air. He rocked back and forth obsessively.

Severus opened his mouth wide, trying to breathe in more air, but it was impossible.

His hands covered his head, futilely trying to stop the viscous drops.

He wept in despair. There was no escape now.

An evil laugh echoed in his ears.

"Why do you cry? It is pointless... There is nowhere to run... I wish you wonderful nightmares, Professor. You are a desirable man... Sleep ... Sleep... Sleep..." the male and melodious voice rang with false compassion.

"I can not stand it ... I can not stand it..." Severus muttered.

And then he was deprived even of smell and the stench of blood no longer met his sensitive nostrils.

"Severus, fight... Please... Hold on tight and save what you can" Potter's voice sounded distant.

"I will not bear this... Sorry ... Sorry ... But I cannot...".

Then even the sound disappeared, and what air there was escaped his hungry lungs.

Severus's eyes were already closed but he gripped them even more tightly shut.

He felt the blood on his face, fear filling him like water accumulating in a cup. The cup filled and overflowed and then there was nothing.

(***)

Severus was lying on something comfortable, so soft and warm.

He concentrated, but the magic buzz that accompanied him all his life, since before he could recognize himself as a human being, was no longer present.

He despaired, deciding to get out of bed.

There was no ground beneath him and he fell into an endless black void.

Severus woke feeling disoriented, his body strangely sore as though he had been ran over by a steamroller.

A moment later, memories returned to him like a tidal wave, relentless and destructive.

He sat up abruptly and was astonished to find he was in his own bed, in his room at his cottage in Avon. He blinked like an owl. Was it possible that all of it was just a dream?

Everything, from his imprisonment to the Ritual, even the strange nightmare seemed very realistic. Then he realized he was naked again.

It was not his custom to sleep without clothes. Ever. A cold sweat trickled down between his shoulder blades. He looked down at his chest and gasped. Right in the center of his sternum, a sickle-shaped brand pulsed with a silver-green light. The last small thread of light escaped the borders of the brand. Severus knew what it was and grief filled his heart at that moment.

She was going completely... There was no pain, only deep anguish and emptiness left behind.

Looking at his nightstand, he picked up the birch and dragon heartstring wand lying innocently on the small mahogany table, 34 cm thick and as inflexible as its proprietor.

He'd had it since he was 11 and knew exactly what it felt like. The sensation that always ran through his fingers and up his arm then to his whole body every time he wielded the wand. But this time there was nothing, not even a measly itch.

Trembling, almost dropping the wand from his fingers, he spoke the simple spell learned a lifetime ago.

"Lumos ..." Any light would ignite. Any spark shine.

Severus hyperventilated. He knew that something very wrong was happening, but to have undeniable proof before his eyes was surreal.

"You deserve all this ..." Colin's words jumped in his mind as an ominous warning.

Attempting to maintain control, he forced himself to inhale deeply several times until he was calmed and could breathe normally. He could not be angry at Colin for what the man had done.

He understood the feeling, he knew what it felt like to lose everything in life. It was not an easy thing to deal with. Colin had to blame someone for losses and Severus was the obvious choice, but the black-haired man knew it could have been anyone.

He shuddered at the thought of the blond blaming Harry for simply not having killed the Dark Lord fast enough or Minerva, his Head of House for not paying attention to her lions in danger as she should.

Dressing slowly in black sweatpants and a gray long sleeve shirt, Severus swayed in indecision. He knew he needed to go to St. Mungo's, but he could not seem to care enough to take himself there. Walking slowly with difficulty to the outside of the house, he sat in his wicker chair, looking at the lake full of Koi.

Today the fish seemed strangely discolored, as if Severus was seeing the world through a blurry screen.

So day and night passed without Severus being aware of anything around him. He felt no hunger, or the desire to move. He had soiled himself in his pants right where he sat and he stank. But he noticed nothing. Nothing it all. There was nothing to his life any longer. There was only the numbness.

Severus thought it wasn't only his magic that had been torn from him in that damned Ritual. His will to live - that was not so strong to begin with, had disappeared completely now.

Dawn came and Severus's fingers were stiff from the cold night. His lips were dry and chapped, and his eyes were bloodshot.

Hours passed and Severus did not even notice the sound of Apparition on his property. There were only a few people who had direct access to his cottage, but by then Severus simply did not care who was there.

(***)

Harry was starting to get worried about Severus. He had spent all day trying to contact the man through the Floo. He sent an owl to say he would be visiting the Potions Master, but for the first time since Severus had been released from St. Mungo's there was no response. Harry had a premonition that something horrible had happened to Severus.

Taking a deep breath to calm down, he forced himself to wait until an acceptable hour for a visit. When 9:00 AM arrived, without preamble he Apparated directly into Severus's gardens.

He looked around briefly enjoying the landscape. The place was really beautiful.

He knew that Severus's favorite chair was always facing the lake. With a sharp sense of relief he saw the man himself sitting there with a lost look on his face staring at the lake water.

Harry frowned. That was not a normal expression for Severus to be wearing after hearing someone apparating within your property.

Harry thought that he would be met with a paralyzing spell or trapped by one of the many magical safeguards against intruders.

Harry approached the Slytherin quietly, but in plain sight so as not to startle the silent man.

Harry was struck immediately by the smell. Severus always smelled of herbs and spices in a nice blend of sandalwood and musk. The scent was light, fresh and absolutely masculine. There was no hint of Severus's powerful smell now. He stank.

Harry knelt carefully before his old professor.

"Severus?" Harry asked with concern. There was no answer and no reaction. Severus did not even blinked.

Harry reached out, resting his hand on Severus's motionless arm only to sense another shock. Harry knew Severus. He spent five years sitting next to him and Harry's magic, as a separate entity, could recognize the dark and warm magic of the other man instantly.

Now there was nothing. There was no spark, the buzz of magic crackling along the skin was absent.

All Harry could determine was that Severus was alive, though was agonizing and desperate.

"Merlin..." Harry moved to grasp both of Severus's hands in his own. His touch prompting the first reaction.

"There's nothing else... There's nothing... There's nothing...". Severus kept repeating in a dead whisper.

Without even thinking, Harry pulled the paralyzed man into his arms and apparated directly to St. Mungo's. Something had happened to Severus, something very wrong and Harry's heart broke with that thought.

_(*****)_


	6. Chapter 6

**My shadow's the only one that walks beside me**

**My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating**

**Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me**

**Until then I walk alone…**

**(***)**

 

They were sitting in St. Mungo's cafeteria, while Harry drank a large steaming cup of coffee and Hermione kept her eyes on the table.

Harry preferred the dark liquid, with no sugar or milk, to keep him more alert, but Hermione liked Earl Grey tea.

"Harry, you have to go home. You need to change clothes, need to eat properly..." Hermione said as she absently rubbed the fingers over her friend's free hand, resting between them on the table.

"I need to find out who did this to him, Hermione. I need to figure out how to cure Severus. This isn't fair. It's not fair to be made to suffer so. He does not deserve it, not after all he's already had to go through in life. Surely he deserves some measure of comfort and happiness at last?"

"Oh Harry, I agree with you. He does deserve happiness-yes, but he screwed up a lot too. He made many huge mistakes, giving him much to atone for. But now... he should have been able to enjoy some peace and quiet."

Harry nodded his head in agreement, his green eyes full of tears.

"You like him." Hermione said. It was a statement of fact rather than a question.

Harry stared at his friend before answering. "A lot." He replied laconically. "I respect him."

"I'm not talking about that kind of feeling. Do you desire him, Harry."

Harry's expression was one of surprise and disbelief. He feigned innocence, as if not understanding what Hermione was asking.

"You know that look will not work with me. Save yourself the effort."

He gave up.

"The answer is still the same, a lot. A lot for me to keep inside, to keep secret. Been a while, Herms, but he loved my mother. How morbid is that? What if I fall in love with a man who once loved my mother?! What does that say about me? I must be sick or something."

Hermione laughed fondly.

"No, Harry. Do not feel like you're wrong. The feelings you have for him are not exactly unjustified. He protected you for years. He trusted you enough to allow a direct link to his mind through his legilimency. Only his absolute confidence in you would allow such a strong magical connection happen. He gave himself for you, one way or another, time and time again. He gave you a glimpse of who he really was and you fell in love with what you saw."

Harry could not help but feel warmed by the words of his friend.

"He is so… vulnerable, you know. His way of being alone and abrasive is only a protection...a shell. I know I've had my share of suffering throughout my life, Herms. But Severus? He's had more than enough without all of this shit! It's just too much."

"I agree with you, Harry."

"What will happen now?" Harry asked, with fear burning like acid through his veins.

"He's losing control of his body. And now, since the numbness has passed, he is aware of it. And it's even worse, so much worse for him, to be conscious and aware of the fact that your body simply does not obey you any longer. He was always the personification of discipline but now, there is no control for him."

Harry bit his lips angrily.

"I cannot allow it."

"This isn't up to you, Harry."

"There is nothing you can do? You are a Unspeakable, for Merlin's sake. Help him, Hermione. He can't die like this, out of control and slowly going insane. A squib!"

She nodded her head in assent.

"What happened anyway? How did he deal with Apparition now that there is no magical residue in his body?"

"He got extremely sick and threw up a lot. The medi-wizards had to change some structural charms in the hospital's protection to allow the care of a Muggle. If it were anyone else, they would have died out there like a mangy dog, but I am Harry Potter and he is Severus Snape. At least I can say that my fame has brought us something good. They treat him like a lord. St. Mungo's is not even charging medical expenses this time."

"It is a matter of policy, Harry, after all they created a new pediatric wing named for Severus Snape." Hermione explained.

"He deserves the honor, I have no doubt." Harry replied.

"Anyway, he is being treated with a mixture of Muggle allopathic medicine as well as potions. For now he is in deep sleep without any pain. The healer assured me that they used a suppressor for dreams so that he does not have nightmares."

"That's nice. Nightmares only leave him more upset."

Finishing their coffee and tea, they left the hospital's cafeteria walking slowly through the sterile corridors.

"Ron is with Hugo today?" Harry asked as Hermione plunged her hand into the crook of his elbow as he was not much taller than her.

"No, he is training a new team of Aurors. Hugo is with Arthur and Molly... Harry, I have searched for clues to the Professor's situation. If I at least knew how the ritual or curse was carried… I can only assume it was nothing commonly used by Europeans in general. The sickle on the chest reminds me of something that I know I've seen somewhere, but I can't quite recall the right memory. All I know is that his magic ran out through that cut, slowly and painfully, not physically, but there was an excessive amount of emotional distress."

"I trust you, Hermione. If anyone can find a cure for this it's you. Do it for me. I'd rather have Severus alive, whether what I feel for him is reciprocated or not."

"I'll do it for you both, but you have to do something Harry. He has to know how you feel."

"He is not even gay, Hermione. If I tell him, it's quite possible he could decapitate me, in addition to forcing my ghost to run seven leagues away."

Hermione snorted softly.

"How blind are you? Once his mother was the only friend he had, today you are the only friend he has, he's learned his lesson, I'm sure. He will not go away and he will not chase you away either. He deserves your sincerity so that he can understand the truth of your devotion."

"He does not need to know."

"If it were the opposite, if you were in his place, wouldn't you like to know?"

Harry sighed. He hated being in the dark and abhorred secrets.

"I'll tell him." Harry declares. He smiles at his friend, resolute in his decision.

"Do it." Hermione stopped him in the middle of the hallway, staring into his green orbs. "And do it while he still understands what you say."

(…)

Severus was being cared for at home. The medi-wizards decided that was where he would be most comfortable, until something could be done to actually heal the dark man.

They talked to Harry at length about the professor's obvious depression, advising him that constant monitoring spells against self-mutilation were called for and asking him to keep any harmful substance away from the Slytherin's reach.

"I advise you strongly to hide the Muggle medications and potions he is using, lock them in a closet with magic, for example."

"I know he's depressed, but I do not think he's the type to be self-injurious."

Severus's healer lifted his gray eyebrow.

"I showed you the marks Mr. Potter."

"The scars?! But... I thought he got those while in Voldemort's service."

The healer put his wrinkled hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Yes, the magical scars were probably acquired during his years as a spy, but there are others Mr. Potter, more discrete, but quite obvious to anyone who knows what and where to look. You do not really expect that someone with the life he lived survived all of his trauma psychologically intact. There are scars on his left arm, just below the armpit in lines too perfect not to be self-inflicted."

Harry ran his hands through his rebellious hair.

"So you mean to tell me that he is more susceptible now because of the lack of magic?" Harry asked, wanting to better understand the situation for the man he admired.

"Yes. Magic somehow acts as the catalyst of life for we witches and wizards. We can survive, even under the most unfavorable circumstances, because the magic drives us to live... You can imagine how troubling it is now that this impulse is gone completely."

"Blessed Merlin... What signs should I look for?"

"I doubt he would be obvious in his actions. His intelligence was not lost along with his magic. Simply do as I said, no potions or medicines in easily accessible locations. Overdose on drugs or alcohol, without any direct intention of suicide is a common occurrence for many people in Professor Snape's condition, but you never know when it may all become too much for him to bear."

Harry nodded sadly and did as the MediWizard instructed.

(…)

Severus was in his cottage, lying on his bed. The medi-wizards did everything they could to help him, the golden trio and a small cub named Hugo Weasley were a constant presence in his life now.

They took care him, met all of his physical needs and made sure he was comfortable, but no cure had yet been found.

Severus refused to say who had done this to him or specify what they actually did. Colin was entitled to his revenge and he would not deprive him of it.

That rainy night, Severus rose, his pale feet touching the cold floor sending a shudder throughout his body. He went to the bathroom. at least the revitalizing potions were giving him some measure of control and he no longer needed to use adult diapers like an old man.

He urinated and washed his hands. Lifting his head, he looked at the man in the mirror. His looked the same as ever, perhaps even better thanks to better care. He had fewer age lines and no traces of the constant strain of concern on his face. A dark shadow showed the evidence of a stubbly beard on his cheeks and chin.

Severus looked into the reflection of his own eyes.

Maybe he should not give the satisfaction to Colin. Maybe he didn't deserve to be alive at all. He was unworthy, as Colin said, so why he was still breathing? He was a waste of space.

With trembling hands, he opened the mirrored medicine cabinet and took out the razor. He always preferred Muggle methods for this.

It had been a gift from Albus. The initials of his name were engraved in the metal.

His fingers closed around the simple everyday tool. He ran his index finger along the razor's edge. A cut opened immediately in the thin skin of his fingertip. Blood welled up quickly like a red tear.

Severus seemed entranced by the blood. There was always so much blood in his life. Blood and death.

Holding the razor properly, he gently passed the sharp edge over his left wrist, not cutting too deep, just enough to see the blood pooling up in larger drops. The contrast of the red against his pale skin was mesmerizing.

Abruptly the door of his bathroom opened. The razor fell from his fingers landing in the porcelain sink with the loud metallic clank that echoed around the small bathroom.

He turned to see a very angry looking Harry.

Why he was still here? When exactly had he come to call him Harry, anyway? And why did young man not give up on him? Everyone else gave up, but after six years Harry was still there for him...stood by him.

Silently, Harry approached the wounded man, holding his hand above the wound. Wordlessly and without a wand, he closed the cut with his magic, running his fingers over the healed skin and wiping the blood from Severus's wrist.

"Sorry, Harry..." Severus muttered. "I'm so sorry, but I think I'm going mad."

Severus looked so lost.

Harry hugged the taller man tightly to his chest. Incredibly, Severus hugged him back.

"It'll be fine Severus. I'll fix everything...somehow."

"You can't Harry. There is no way to solve this."

Severus buried his face in the unruly curls of Harry's hair.

Harry kissed Severus's neck, just along the webbed scar. His lips moved up to Severus's ear as he whispered.

"I am the boy who lived twice. I'm more stubborn than a stuck mule and I'm saying I'll fix this. Believe me Severus. You saved me many times, now it's my turn to save you."

Severus sighed as he hugged the smaller man even tighter.

How could this handsome man, twenty years his junior, be the only glimmer of hope and salvation he had? But inexplicably, he was.

Severus did not want to dwell on how Harry made him feel because his body was reacting in a way he had never felt before.

Leaving everything in Harry's hands, he decided to believe his words and allowed himself the embrace and care of the man in his arms, who happened to be the owner of the most beautiful pair of green eyes.

At that moment Severus did not want to think about why he felt strange things.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to thank MyFirstistheFourth, forever and ever, 'cause she makes this fanfic be something possible. I am grateful to her because she, for free and charge, put up with me and fix my mistakes. You can not imagine the amount of mistakes I make trying to write in English, but forgive me, I am Brazilian and Portuguese is completely different hahaha

**Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows? Only time**   
**And who can say if your love grows as your heart chose? Only time**

**(***)**

"Harry ..."

Hermione called softly as her friend looked across the horizon outside Severus's cottage . He was sitting in a rocking chair next to the garden filled with exotic flowers. He turned his head reluctantly to look at Hermione.

He was so tired. The scary scene with the razor had been repeated several times throughout the past month, though with variations in implement since Harry had hidden the razor. Severus always apologized after he did it though. Harry felt as though he was losing the battle, Severus was giving up.

Harry had placed protection charms on the cutlery drawer and hidden all of the sharp objects. He even hid Severus's wand - not that it was of any use now.

Harry had also realized with a sense of unease that what he felt for Severus Snape went far deeper than just passion. The way he took care of the man, the dedication, and veneration he gave him. 'In joy and sorrow ...' Although Severus bore more sorrow than joy at the moment.

"Harry, look at me." Hermione repeated. Harry complied with his friend's request, even as he was distracted with his surroundings. Hugo crouched near the shallow lake, feeding crumbs to the fishes. The child came so often to the cottage to visit his 'uncle Sevus' who had a 'boo-boo', he had almost become part of the landscape. He had even given names to all of the fishes.

Harry laughed, amused by his thoughts.

"Severus really likes Hugo." Harry said out of the blue. "He even plays with him and reads him books... Potions books of course. 'Potions for Little Ones'... I saw the title. It was on the coffee table in the living room yesterday."

"Harry ... stay with me here. Severus needs you to stay sane. He finally told me what was done to him during the Ritual. I was able to find out what was used at last. It is a Somalian ritual, created to destroy the magical core. There is a gaping wound in Severus's magic, a wound reaching into the core itself. That's why he's losing his physical control, why his magic ran and could not repair itself."

Harry sat up quickly, paying full attention now.

"Tell me you found a cure, please, tell me you found a way."

Hermione smiled.

"I found the cure ... But I don't think Severus will be happy with it. I don't think he will want to risk...you, Harry"

(***)

"Absolutely not!" Severus declared vehemently. Harry had waited until they were alone at the cottage to talk to Severus.

"Why not, Severus? It's the only way to heal you… to free you."

"Harry ..." Severus took a deep breath. "I will not do that to you. Bind you to me and trap you like that... It's inhumane."

Harry threw his head back and laughed.

"Trap me, Severus? You're so smart, but you still don't see the obvious..."

Harry swallowed thickly.

"I'd do anything for you... anything." Harry whispered.

Severus couldn't hide his confused expression.

"Why?"

Harry chuckled fondly.

"This might come as a shock to you, but I won't hide anything...not any more. I'm in love with you, Severus Snape. I've never felt for anyone the way I feel for you."

Severus blinked owlishly.

"What?!" he finally blurted out, his eyes widened in wonder and surprise.

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"You know, a certain Potions Master once told me that his ears worked perfectly fine." Harry teased with a naughty wink.

Severus swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing nervously.

"Harry ... I ... I never, I didn't know. Oh my Merlin."

Harry smiled again.

"I never imagined I would ever hear you at such a loss for words."

Severus's expression darkened as he snapped indignantly at Harry.

"You could always wait a few more months, then I'm sure that the loss of speech can be a constant delight for you."

"Severus, you know very well that's not what I meant, at all."

Severus deflated.

"I know... It's just very...you've caught me off guard. I did not know you were... were..."

"Gay?" Harry asked. He was, contrary to what he had feared, quite comfortable with the conversation. "I'm not."

Severus was confused anew.

"I'm bisexual, Severus." Harry explained.

Severus bit his lower lip, the plump meat stuck between his teeth.. Harry thought the expression seemed very vulnerable on such an austere man.

"I can't do this, Harry ..." Severus repeated, his voice low and uncertain.

"I'm your best option, Severus. I have the power ... and I am willing."

"Harry, please listen to yourself. I can't allow you to be attached to me for life. I'm old enough to be your father."

Severus's face contorted in a grimace.

"Would you rather die than be attached to me?" Harry asked without preamble,his tone wounded and angry at the same time.

"I'd rather not be in debt-"

"It's not a debt if I am giving myself freely, Severus. I will not force you into anything, I couldn't, but if you've decided you'd rather die then I will not keep you here any longer" Harry said in a tight voice.

"But if you have any regard for me, any empathy for me at all... I want you to think what your death...your choice, would do to me. You know now how I feel about you ..."

"And what of your dreams, Harry? Having a home with a garden, having children, to have someone who loves you in return, just as much as you love them. I can't give you those things."

Harry looked thoughtful, his head tilted to the side in consideration.

"I see a fabulous garden out there." Harry pointed out through the large window glass.

"Potions can not only bottle fame or glory, they can also sustain the pregnancy of a male wizard. And love... To have love there must be time for it to grow. Living together. Mutual respect. I already have strong feelings for you, Severus. Dumbledore once said your capacity to love was unlike anything he had ever seen before. I wish you would let me be the focus for your ability to love. You only need to open yourself up to the opportunities that life is giving you. If there is one thing I can promise you it is this, I can and I will make you happy.

"You already do..." Severus said weakly. "I can hardly explain it to you, I didn't even realize when you ceased to be Potter and instead became, Harry. When you were no longer annoying. When you stopped being a child and became man. But I just don't know, Harry. I need..."

Severus hesitated, not quite able to finish.

Harry walked up to him, grabbed the potions master's hands in his own and led him over to the couch where they could be comfortable.

They sat next to each other,Harry cautiously raised his hand, brushing his fingers through Severus's silky black hair. Severus closed his eyes, appreciating the affection. No one ever touched him, so freely and full of tenderness like Harry did. It made him feel a warm heat in the pit of his stomach. It was good.

"You are totally straight?" Harry asked frankly while still stroking Severus's hair.

Severus slowly opened his eyes, looking into the emerald orbs regarding him curiously.

"How would I know? I never got involved physically with anyone, regardless of gender. I loved your mother, but it was totally platonic."

Severus spoke in such a low voice that Harry had to strain to hear him.

"You've never ...?" Harry asked in amazement.

Severus lowered his head. Harry saw two matching points of a dark red blush appear high on the normally pale cheeks.

"Merlin, Severus!" Harry exclaimed with awe and wonder. "No one has ever touched you... God, you never had sexual intercourse?"

Harry was suddenly struck by the realization. He had, after all, studied Severus's medical records thoroughly to try and find the solution to his problem.

"Oh Heavens ... You are an Immaculate! If the wizarding world knew -."

Severus cut him off abruptly.

"Yes, yes I know all this, Harry. They would be lining up at my door. Few wizards can be approved for the Ritual Corpus Immaculatus. Believe me, after receiving the Dark Mark at sixteen and realizing how foolish I had been, I felt unclean. I tried anything to help me feel more human. I read about the ritual in a book in the restricted session. I saw that few wizards in history had even been approved by the pure magic. It was just luck that the Ritual Corpus Immaculatus worked for me. It gave me the strength to not be swallowed by the Dark Lord's evil. I have never stopped practicing abstinence, even once he was gone."

"That's amazing..." Harry's voice sounded thrilled. The admiration and respect he had for Severus Snape growing more every day. The man was really remarkable.

"I don't want people to know Harry. The reasons for my abstinence are personal… For me alone. I don't want a competition to woo me. I don't want a bunch of witches and wizards issuing duel challenges to win my Immaculate Body. I don't want to be pampered, I just want to be at peace with my magic."

"I understand Severus, I would never tell anyone, you can trust me?"

"I trust you, Harry." There was conviction in Severus's voice that made Harry shudder with pleasure.

"Then choose to live, Severus. With me. I can heal you here..." Harry reached toward Severus's chest indicating both the physical damage and the heart hurt by life. "And here ..." Harry moved his hands to Severus's temples, the tips of his fingers touching the skin lightly as he refered to Severus's sanity.

Harry drew even closer to the older wizard.

"Let me heal you, Severus. Let me love you."

Without waiting for an answer, Harry gently pulled Severus's head down and kissed his lips. It was soft and warm. A calm, non-invasive kiss, his lips moving slowly, sucking the skin lightly as he carefully coaxed a response out of the virginal wizard. Severus sighed into Harry's mouth.

Severus had stopped taking the potions to inhibit his libido since Collin's attack. The medi-wizards said any hormonal change could be disastrous because of the curse. Severus could never have imagined how wonderful a kiss could be.

It was heavenly.

Severus felt everything at once. Harry's hand in his hair,the other cupping his neck, and the soft lips on his mouth. Severus moved also, determined to savor that curious taste that he could only define as Harry's kiss. The movement of Harry's lips intensified as he he slid his curious pink tongue over Severus's lower lip and into the warmth of his mouth.

It was the most exquisite torment.

Severus felt chills down his spine, groaning deep in his throat without even realizing. Encouraged by the inarticulate sound, Harry went further, kissing Severus in earnest. His bold tongue demanded passage as Harry was bombarded with the taste of Severus, hot and hungry within his mouth. It was a most unique flavor, and nobody had ever been so good for Harry. Everything between them was so intense. Severus responded with inexperienced enthusiasm, which only increased Harry's pleasure.

'I am the first - Harry thought - and I intend to be the only one' ...

With one last hungry kiss, Harry broke away from Severus's sinful mouth.

"Will you be mine?" Harry asked, his lips moving against Severus's temple. Severus's lips were now red and swollen from Harry's passionate kisses. Harry lightly bit the sensitized lower lip and Severus moaned helplessly.

"Always..." Severus replied with all the sincerity of his heart.

(***)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello people. Sorry for the delay, but here's chapter 8. I promise 'smuthings' in the next ;)

**Do not be afraid to be weak ... Do not be too proud of being strong.**

**Just look into your heart. This will be the return to yourself.**

**If you desire, then laugh. If you need, then cry.**

**Be authentic, do not hide. Just believe in destiny.**

 

(***)

 

"Are you sure you want to do this? Make the Vitale Vinculum with Severus?"

 

Hermione asked, still engrossed in the book in her hands, studying the Ritual's details. Seeing the possible complications, she was not so sure about the idea now. It was not just the Ritual itself, but how it had to be done. The first obstacle was that while the ritual was about life, it could not be recited by someone living. Harry's senses seemed numb when it came to anything about the former professor and he was overconfident.

 

"I'm sure about the Vinculum, Herms. It's all I want. That has not changed in years and will not change now that I have him within reach."

 

"Oh Harry... I'm trying understand you. I know I would do the same thing for Ron without even blinking, but you and Severus are not like us. Our experiences are different, and as couples, we are completely different. I really can not even begin to put myself in your place."

 

"You don't need to understand everything, just support me."

 

The brunette woman smiled sweetly at her friend. He had become such a noble, beautiful and powerful man, but still maintained the humility and simplicity that was so inherently him. With the wealth he had, he could certainly buy the whole of Scotland and have Buckingham Palace to boot. But no, not Harry. The man in front of her, her accomplice and confidant, preferred to live in a simple home and devote himself to selfless work.

 

With his own money, Harry had opened the first magical orphanage for war orphans. Most were children of death eaters, who would be ostracized if not for Harry and the legal reforms that he and Hermione managed to put on the schedule before the Ministry.

 

Harry understood that children should not be forced to pay for the crimes of their parents. He wanted to give them the opportunity for a better life; a good education, with loving people around, with plenty of food on the table. Everything he never had as an orphaned child himself. That first orphanage, Lily's Marauders, was only the pioneer project in a major educational overhaul the likes of which the wizarding world had never known and was long overdue for .

 

Harry had very rich investors, and his four orphanages, two for young witches and wizards, one for muggle-borns, and other mixed, had the highest adoption rates and successful placements in all Europe. There were no more abandoned children crying for knuts in Knockturn Alley, underneath the noses of witches and wizards who pretended that the problem was not theirs, in a world that would rather not think of their existence.  All could be cared for and loved, thanks to Harry.

 

He also offered full scholarships to the children of parents who could not afford to keep their children in magical schools like Hogwarts, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang. Most of the scholarships were to Muggle-borns, whose parents could not pay for the stay of one or more children at a school in a world where the standard currency was gold. The currency exchange was exorbitant, where one galleon was the equivalent of nearly £ 90 pounds. The Wizarding World was trying, after all, to recover from the damages that the war had caused.

 

"I'm so proud of you, Harry." Hermione said finally, as she gave him a tight bear-hug , her brown hair obscuring her friend's vision.

 

He smiled brightly.

 

"For what exactly?" he asked as he stroked her friend's back.

 

"For all that you have become, despite the way you had to grow up. You had such a difficult life, but managed to keep a good and light heart."

 

Harry sighed when he heard her words. "I wish I could say the same about Severus. That I could see his heart freed from the burden of guilt, that he shouldn’t have to carry."

 

"It will be all right, Harry. We'll rid him of this curse and I'm sure you will do everything you can to see that he knows the happiness that is due him."

 

(***)

 

Harry was reading over the Vitale Vinculum for the fifth time, when a deep, nagging headache began to throb at his temples. He had already discussed the pros and cons with Hermione as well. Severus was in the garden getting a haircut from Ron when Hugo jumped in front of his 'uncle Sevus' like a lively flea spouting a thousand questions about potions while Severus patiently answered every single inquiry the little one made.

 

"He could have been so patient when he was my Professor." The thought crossed Harry's mind as he watched, a scene that he never would have thought possible, through the immense glass door.

 

Severus was opening himself up to other people, which proved that his relaxed posture was not only for the Harry's benefit. The courageous former spy was allowing others to know him...to care about him, leaving his thick shell behind and exploring a new and unknown world where the people around you took care rather than hurt, and embraced rather than punished. The man's eyes were full of fear, yet equally curious, he was constantly amazed and astonished. He acted like someone who knows that snow is cold, and theoretically knows what snow will feel like, but has never in their life actually experienced the phenomenon.

 

His rapt disbelief at receiving affection was reflected in the attitudes of those around him. The way he acted when the recipient of such kindness was fascinating. Severus knew that tenderness existed, that human beings could truly be good was common sense. But he had rarely been the target of such care, to have this kind of affection being offered so freely to him, was something both profound and humbling.

 

(***)

 

They were sitting comfortably on the Severus's white couch once more as Hermione reviewed their plans for the Ritual.

 

"The Vinculum Vitale, known by some Hamunaptra theorists studying the City of the Dead, as bound in life to the destined to die, will undo any previous dark curse that was forced on Severus. The words of the incantation can not be said or heard by the living, only the dead or those going to their deaths can speak the words."

 

"We can perform the ritual at Hogwarts. Professor Beans could help, after all he's been dead at least two hundred years and is more than able to perform rituals post-mortem," Harry offered.

 

"Beans could help if he could leave the vicinity of the Castle, where incidentally, we can not summon the Vinculum."

 

"Why not?!" Harry asked astonished and confused because he thought that part of the problem would be easily solved.

 

"Well, in a way, the Vitale is seen as enslavement, its practice was banned in Europe in the last century and considered dark magic. Harry, can’t you see how it can easily be interpreted as something dark? You will become the axis of Severus's magic, to such an extent that even when it returns it will never be as it was before. You will not only be his anchor, you will be the owner of his name, of his property. If you really wanted to order him, he would obey you without question. His will is going to be suppressed, his only desire will be your happiness. Once the bond is in place, if you order that he spend the day in bed on his hands and knees serving you, he will do it with all the joy of his heart. This is easily seen as slavery."

 

"I will not enslave him Hermione! I don't want him to do anything that he doesn't want to do, not ever, not in bed or out of it. Severus's beauty is in his independence, his strength, that's what attracted me to him. I will not hinder it."

 

"Well, it's good that you think so, because the bond read intentions. You can tell me what you want until my ears bleed, but if deep inside, you truly want to bend him to your will, that's what will happen."

 

"How could you-"

 

"Sshh! I'm just warning you. I trust in your consciousness and what you want rationally, when it is deliberately planned and decided. But our subconscious is treacherous, and our desires, Harry, can be devastating. How often have you dreamed; coveted and craved Severus? You saw him unconscious to your feelings; confused and not even realizing that your desires and veneration were not purely those of a friend."

 

"Yes, but what does that have to do with me wanting to make Severus some kind of bloody erotic-house-elf?" Harry growled the words. "I don't want that!"

 

"Elves do not serve their masters sexually, but it is sexuality I'm talking about. We’ve talked about everything, Harry. We are best friends. I know that you are kind in life, but dominant in bed. I know you long for Severus, as a man, and this is all very new to him. You wish him healed, but I don't really know about reciprocity. Stop and think about when he is completely rational after the Ritual, how he will take it? He has wished women before, Harry, never a man."

 

Hermione was assuming that Severus was heterosexual, but she really did not know all of the facts.

 

Harry laughed merrily, dismissing her concerns with a wave of his hand.

 

"We’ve already kissed, Hermione. And when I say kiss, I mean that there was active participation on both of our parts, a quite enthusiastic participation by the way."

 

Hermione's mouth opened in an "O".

 

"And you have ...?"

 

"No. There's something else I need to tell you. I promised Severus would not tell anyone, but I do not know if it could interfere with the Ritual."

 

Hermione frowned seeing the intensity on Harry's face.

 

"He's an Immaculate."

 

Hermione's eyes grew as wide as saucers.

 

"Oh my God! And you’re only telling me now? I thought we would have to travel to Bucharest. It’s the only place outside the Ministry's domain where the ritual could be performed. But Immaculates have immunity, Severus will not be condemned for doing all he can to stay alive."

 

"So you mean that an Immaculate is allowed to use black magic without being condemned? He could make a Horcrux and get away with it?!" Harry asked hysterically.

 

"No, no! No Immaculate would even consider the possibility of doing something as horrible as the dark magic a Horcrux would require. And it's not as if they have permission to practice evil because Immaculates are not cruel by nature, but can be so in reaction. That's what the wild magic recognizes when it approves someone for the Corpus Immaculatus, She sees people as they really are. She can sense if they emanate dark magic, white magic or gray magic."

 

"Any chance there is someone who emanates pure white magic in the world today?" Harry asked thoughtfully.

 

"Probably not. Most of us are gray, like life. We are all good and evil combined. It's a good place to be Harry, because white can easily be dirtied and the dark is hard to clean."

 

Harry understood Hermione’s thinking and agreed with her.

 

"Dumbledore was known as a light wizard, the staunchest supporter of white magic and yet he was the grayest wizard that I’ve ever known. He was a handler, a certain kind of ruthless, look what he allowed Severus go through, Herms."

 

"Oh Harry, he was a great man, and the failings of great men are often as big as their victories. Don't hold grudges, Severus himself does not do so. He still loves the old man like a father, so be careful how you speak of him in front of Severus. You know how sensitive he is in all matters relating to Dumbledore."

 

"I know." Harry said in dismay. "I'm always very careful about it."

 

Harry had tensed in his chair but forced himself to relax and focus on the topic at hand.

 

"So tell me more about an Immaculate's immunity."

 

"If the pure magic has approved someone, who are we, mere wizards, to condemn that person? It is believed that an Immaculate only performs black magic within the context of need and that's exactly what happened with Severus. He had to get dirty himself, in order to cleanse the world of Voldemort's rot. He's a far better man than I imagined."

 

Harry could not disagree.

 

After a comfortable silence, during which they both watched through the glass door as Severus crouched in the herb garden, showing magical plants to Hugo while Ron dozed in the nearby rocking chair, Harry felt even more compelled to save the man.

 

"Don't worry so much Herms. Everything will be fine, soon enough we will have our most prodigious potions master back, snarling insults and bad-mouthing those Weasleys who breed more than rabbits."

 

Hermione laughed.

 

"You do realize it's a very one-sided bond, don’t you Harry? You will have all rights over him. I'll say it one more time so that maybe you’ll understand. You will have control over his life, body, mind and magic...everything."

 

"Over his mind?"

 

"Yes, but it's not like telepathy. From what I’ve read, it’s more like impressions you can share with him and he to you. Feelings such as fear, excitement and pleasure can be shared by connecting, but you will not read his thoughts or vice versa."

 

"Great, it is enough for me to have my own troubled thoughts. I want to give Severus the privacy of what is in his own mind."

 

"Harry, I still find it very dangerous and there is no going back. This is permanent. The Viculum is more binding than any marriage and is not meant to be broken. Only the death of one spouse breaks the link."

 

"Hermione, you know me, at least give me the benefit of the doubt. After all, Severus agreed to this. I'm not doing it without considering all the consequences. I am no longer the reckless boy who acted without weighing the pros and cons, who behaved frivolously, seeing the world in nothing but black and white or Voldemort versus Dumbledore. You know that. If there was another way to save Severus, I would, but there is not. I'll have control over him, yes, but not to subjugate him, to care for him… Protect him."

 

"It’s more than passion, isn’t it Harry?" she said smirking.

 

Harry smiled back.

 

"It's much more than that, Hermione. It is love."

 

"Make him happy, Harry. After so much pain, there is no one that deserves happiness more than Severus.

 

"I will do my best, Hermione. I really will… I promise."

  


(***)

 

to be continued

 

 


	9. Libido Potion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About libido potion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to MyfirstistheFourth ‘cause she is wonderful and certainly the most patient beta stepping in this vast land of God. My English is a despicable shit, but she can make my hieroglyphics in a readable thing. Enjoy and read her fics that are more than perfect, hot and exciting.
> 
> Thanks so much for all people that are “following, favorit’ed, kud’ed e review’ed”, despite my deplorable delay.
> 
> (XXX)

**Libido Potion**

  


Harry was leaning against the doorframe watching the austere figure wrapped in black silk pajamas now lying in bed. Severus had taken a sleeping potion, and was now sleeping peacefully, his chest rising and falling in slow, deep breaths. Today had certainly been enlightening. His heart felt lighter, calmer somehow with the knowledge that there was a new perspective, a beacon of hope at last. The life of this brave man could and would be saved.

 

Still there was fear in Harry's heart, there were things to be discovered, things that Severus had not revealed to anyone. A psychopath remained on the loose, someone who had deliberately hurt Severus. Harry was sure that person would not give up until they felt properly avenged. No one aiming to hurt Severus would ever approach him again, Harry would not allow some mad person to so much as touch a hair on the head of the man he loved.

 

Harry was sharing tea with Severus's healer.

 

"The effects of the anti-libido potion are almost completely gone.It will be a shock to Severus system when his body begins to act normally after years on the potion. I believe he will be needing your help with those changes."

 

"Help with... What?" Harry asked stunned.

 

"Remember now, Mr. Potter, that this man has spent decades of his life abstaining from all forms of sexual pleasure. He will feel lost, and very uncomfortable. He has no intimate experience with another human being yet you will soon be united as husbands, in the eyes of both magic and the law. There is no one better to help him learn about the pleasures he has been deprived of during his painful life."

 

Harry was redder than a ripe tomato. Talking about sex with an old man was extremely awkward and discomfiting.

 

The healer laughed when he saw the look on Harry’s face.

 

"You young people forget that we older people were once young and hormonal as well."

 

"I try not to think about it, sir." Harry said, spurring another laugh from the older man.

 

"Anyway, Severus is doing very well, much better than what one might expect, Mr. Potter. This is fantastic."

 

"That's good to hear. We are preparing for the Ritual Vitale, and I would have greater peace of mind if you could attend. It's nice having someone so knowledgeable and experienced in medical practices for muggle and magical bodies alike. I do not know if your help will be needed after the completion of the whole process, but it will be reassuring to have you there all the same. "

 

"I'll be honored to participate. I know many people do not understand entering a ritual with a slave dictate that borders on black magic. I know that these same people would believe that you're purposefully being cruel to Severus, but I have seen your devotion year after year. He would not survive without it, you will be giving him back his magic and the gift of life. My patient is a lucky man, to have someone like you looking after him."

 

Harry smiled smoothly.

 

"We are fortunate to have each other. I'm sure I would not be alive if not for his many interventions along the way."

 

"There are many life debts owed to that man." the healer said thoughtfully.

 

"Severus does not see it that way. He believes he has only done his duty. "

 

"He's an amazing man."

 

"Oh yes, he is."

 

The older man did not miss the passionate gleam in the eyes of the younger one.

 

"Make him happy, Mr. Potter."

 

Harry smiled at the second person who asked this of him in less than a week.

 

"I will try sir. I'll really do my best." He said smiling, giving the same answer as before.

 

xxx

 

Moist lips on his neck. Warm tongue around the shell of his ear. Teeth nibbling at the junction of his neck and shoulder. Grunts and groans. Tasty tongue moving sinuously in his mouth. Callused hands on his body. Gasping breath... Pleasure.

 

"Har-Harry..." Severus woke with a long groan. His body was tangled in the sheets, his pajamas were soaked with sweat and sticking to his body, and a pulsating and hot pain in his groin was bothering him. Merlin, so many years ago, so many fucking years that he had not felt this way and he had forgotten the sensation. Unconsciously, following a latent instinct, his left hand wandered over his stomach and slid beneath the elastic of his pajama bottoms.

 

He felt all hot, bothered and sore.

 

Severus grabbed his hardened cock and the merest touch of his fingers over the velvet skin sent chills up and down his spine. He moaned loudly at the sensation.

 

The bedroom door flew open suddenly.

 

"Severus, you called me?"

 

Harry lit the lamp with the muggle switch on the wall.

 

Severus was so mortified that he couldn’t even move.

 

Harry carefully scrutinized the scene before him. There was a fiery blush rising from Severus’s neck, becoming darker over his cheeks. His mouth uncharacteristically drooped half open as small gasping breaths passed his lips. The silken pajama shirt clung to the sweaty chest, now rising and falling rapidly. While the Egyptian cotton sheets were tangled around his right arm and left calf, as if the man had rolled uncontrollably in his sleep. But the left hand...oh damn...disappeared into his pajama bottoms. It did not take a genius to know what the man was doing. Harry, in his exacerbated concern, had invaded a very intimate moment.

 

Still frozen in the doorway and honestly excited by the sight before him, Harry's green eyes slowly drifted back up to the Potions Master's face.

 

Severus blinked like an owl and his teeth bit down against his lower lip. Harry realized that it was a nervous gesture, but at the same time it was extremely sexy.

 

"You called me..." Harry repeated, but this time it was not a question. He took decisive steps and sat down on the edge of Severus bed. The man turned his head, following Harry's movements. For a moment Harry thought his fiance’s mind might have left him because of his vacant and frightened expression. His dark eyes resembled a deer caught in the headlights of a rapidly oncoming car.

 

Harry leaned over until his lips touched Severus's ear.

 

"It's okay... The last remnant of your libido potion must have worn off, these are just the natural side effects... Let it go Severus..."

 

Severus took a deep breath and groaned.

 

"I ... Ngnn ... I do not... This is shameful," he whispered, his voice hoarse and filled with desire.

 

"It is not shameful Severus... It's natural." Harry's hand cupped the older man's face, feeling his stubble. Severus leaned to the touch, his face turning to Harry, looking for something he could not name.

 

Harry lay down beside Severus, their bodies stretched side by side.

 

Severus instinctively sought Harry's mouth, wanting to feel his kiss again.

 

"Harry... Please..." Severus's warm breath swept Harry's face.

 

"What do you want Severus?"

 

"...Kiss... Kiss me again."

 

He did not need to be asked twice. Harry devoured Severus's lips and mouth, his tongue invading the moist heat. At that moment, Harry became the only thing filling Severus’s world; Harry and his sinful mouth, currently claiming the abundance of shameless sounds he never thought he would make.

 

Great Merlin’s Ghost!

 

Harry's mouth moved over Severus's cheek, soon reaching his earlobe and nipping lightly. Severus let out choking sounds as his hips thrust up from the bed.

 

"Harry, Harry..." Severus repeated the name like a mantra. The desire was increasing to unbearable levels.

 

"Sshh ... It's okay. I will take care of you."

 

Harry lapped at Severus's salty skin, tasting his unique flavor on the tip of his tongue. Severus did not seem to know where to grab, his fingers scratched against the sheets and his eyes were closed tight, his breathing so rapid he felt as though he was hyperventilating. Maybe he was.

 

"I want... Feel... See you." Severus whispered, too far gone with his arousal to realize his own words. "I want to see you," he said again.

 

Harry sat up, his eyes glazed over at the sight of Severus writhing on the bed.

 

Quickly, Harry took off the shirt he was wearing and threw into some unknown corner of the room. He skillfully raised up, pulling off his pants and underwear all together.

 

Severus’s eyes widened at the imposing sight of Harry's erection. His cock was red, thick and long, the epitome of masculinity. Severus felt his mouth watering and he suddenly felt the mad desire to orally adore that particular piece of Harry's body. Although a rapid succession of thoughts were going through his lust-addled mind, all he could do was moan.

 

Even through the fog of sensuality he could not help but catalog the ways in which his own body was different from Harry’s. Where he was almost hairless, all stiff muscles in long, pale limbs, Harry was compact, a totally perfect body carved in muscular lines. A healthy tan made his skin glow, his chest hair was thick and dark, his stomach was divided into perfect abs and just below his belly button a line of dark hair led down to where it joined the thick thatch nestling his spectacular dick.

 

Harry understood Severus's despair quickly kneeling beside him on the bed, banishing Severus's clothes with a wave of his hand.

 

"So gorgeous..." Harry whispered.

 

Severus wanted to deny it, wanted say that the only gorgeous man here was Harry, but his body was burning with desire and he couldn’t seem to speak. He held his hands out to Harry in a pleading manner, his fingers twitching, beckoning Harry with gestures and whimpering as his mouth had forgotten how to pronounce the words.

 

"Calm down, Severus, I'm here... Right here ... Can you feel me now."

 

Harry lay atop Severus, his mouth returning with pleasure to exploring the pale body below him. He scattered kisses over Severus's nearly hairless chest.

 

When Harry lined up his body with Severus’s, it was like an electric shock lighting all the the dark man’s nerves at once causing him to moan loudly. His head pressed back into the pillow, eyes rolling in their sockets, his hips arched up against his partner without any conscious thought about the movement. His arms wrapped possessively around Harry, his fingertips digging into taut shoulders. Harry lowered his head down to worship the Severus’s long and proud neck, his lascivious mouth ravishing the desired skin.

 

With a twitch of his thighs, Harry encouraged Severus to spread legs allowing their swollen members to nuzzle together. The head of Severus's penis was wet, dripping drops of pre-cum and helping with lubrication.

 

Harry whispered something and suddenly there was an oily heat along both penises. Severus grunted at the feeling and pushed his pelvis up, wanting to feel Harry's throbbing cock rubbing against his.

 

Harry started a rhythmic motion, the cocks now trapped between them throbbed with desire pulsing with the unsteady beating of their hearts.

 

"Harry, Harry, Har-ry!" Severus whimpered, overwhelmed with sensations. One of the hands that were dug on Harry's shoulders moved up to grip the dark hair tightly, Harry growled at the sensation and bit Severus’s jaw, just enough to sting before soothing the bite with a sensuous lick.

 

The two men, lost to desire met again in an overwhelming kiss, the movement of Harry's hips intensifying, Severus's hips rose to meet the movement, seeking more contact, seeking more friction. He was so fucking close and damn it, it was so good.

 

Severus's legs opened up more, his heels pressing into the back of Harry's thighs.

 

Sweaty bodies pressed together in absolute lust. A line of sweat trickled down to the tip of Harry's nose and dripped on Severus's face, but he did not care in the least. He was enjoying sharing this intimate moment with Harry, sharing this pleasure with the owner of such beautiful green eyes.

 

"Fuck... Severus, I need... Let it go... Come with me, now."

 

Harry's words spoken in an urgent growl was the last straw. Severus felt the tightening of his balls, then with a long wail of almost animalistic pleasure his body was shaking with the glorious feeling of release. His enjoyment gushed, the pearly white liquid giving more lubrication to Harry.

 

With an snarl, Harry let go too with frantic movements and ragged breathing, riding on the wave of the most sublime orgasm he had in a long time. His seman flowed freely joining with Severus's to create a delicious and viscous mixture between the bodies of the two men.

 

Harry let himself soften on Severus, both of them breathless and languid, caught up in a delicious afterglow.

 

Severus hugged Harry against his chest and kissed his sweaty forehead. They remained entwined like weeds.

 

Harry lifted his head and placed another kiss on Severus's jaw.

 

"Feeling better?" He asked, his voice filled with concern.

 

Severus swallowed.

 

"Holy shit..." he whispered stunned. "Do it again!"

 

Harry groaned as he realized that Severus was already growing hard again. Merlin, the man had no refractory period? He guessed it was due to the absence of the libido potion.

 

" Merlin's beard, I’ve created a monster."

 

Then both were laughing like crazy men.

 

Everything would be all right, Severus thought. Harry would save him, and he in turn would do anything to make Harry the happiest man in the world.

 

xxx

...

  
  
  
  
  


 

  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! So excuse the delay! I'm terrible and I'm so sorry. Be thankful once again to MyFirstistheFourth because she is the best betareader from around the world! And read Tempered Steel, OMG !! Is perfect. The last chapter is about to be posted and I'm freaking out with anxiety! And her Snarry is perfect! You have to read this! Enjoy the chapter and please do not kill me, I'm just an innocent girl who likes a drama hahaha Kisses in the heart!

** xxx **

**Bad Surprises**

The day was hot, but a mild breeze blew bringing the smells of spring into the living room. Severus was sitting on the shag rug, devoid of any formal pose, his fingers buried in sheepskin. Everything was so calm, so peaceful of a way that he never before had time or even desire to enjoy.

 

Harry had been teaching Severus, introducing him to sensations he had never known existed and the new feelings were all so intense.

 

His lips curved in a tiny smile when the smell of fresh tea reached his sensitive nose. He turned his head to see Harry leaning in the doorway, his  shoulder sloping against the wood, teacups in hand, and a placid smile on his perfect face. A shudder went through Severus' body when he realized that this man, strong, powerful, and so manly, would soon be his.

 

Somehow all the confusing ideas about sexuality did not bother him. He liked Harry. He wanted him. This thought was very clear in his mind. There was no confusion. Severus let his gaze drift over the smaller man, appreciating the fit body as  his mouth went suddenly dry. Merlin's sake... He swallowed roughly, feeling the sudden urge to taste Harry's mouth again; to devour his mouth as well as that beautiful neck and lose himself in the exploration that fresh, young, magnificent body.

 

He didn’t realize that the tea cups had been banished to the kitchen. Harry's gaze had somehow changed and Severus noticed his pupils dilating, the bright green iris rapidly being swallowed by the dark center, while the peaceful smile morphed into something that could only be interpreted as lewd.

 

"Stop reading my thoughts." Severus huffed angrily, a fierce blush spreading on his pale cheeks.

 

Harry’s smile only grew bigger.

 

"It's not my fault your thoughts are stamped all over your face."

 

"Git." Severus grunted, turning away and pretending to tidy the dry wood in the fireplace.

 

"But I'm your git." Harry walked over slowly, sitting behind Severus and mirroring his position.

 

Severus was instantly struck by Harry's warm, intimate smell, but remained firmly looking at the wood as if the dry sticks contained the greatest secrets of the world.

 

"You know, you don't have to be ashamed of wanting it. We did some things together, learned that we are extremely compatible in that area, and I can say without fear of seeming pretentious that you certainly enjoyed it. A lot," Harry said, looking at the now shortened black hair. Ron had done a good job on it, giving Severus a more youthful air.

 

Harry carded his fingers through the shiny black strands, gently stroking the back of Severus’ neck as well.

 

"I like your hair like this." His fingernails lightly scraped Severus' scalp and the Potions Master let out a strangled sound, somewhere between a meow and a grunt. Immediately he leaned into the affection like a giant cat.

 

"It is short to be modern, but still long enough to hold." Harry's hand closed up tightly around the silky hairs and Severus' breath caught in his throat.

 

Severus had a sudden flash of Colin pulling his hair while he kept him chained in that dungeon, but luckily the memory was brief. It was easy to remember the man who now held his hair clenched tightly in his hand was not cruel or evil. It was impossible to reconcile the images of torture with this caress, because while the gesture could be seen as similar, Harry himself made it different. Steadily talking in a tender voice, praising Severus' physical attributes when he himself never noticed these things about his person.

 

And Harry did it constantly, really spending a great deal of time praising him, not fawning way, but in a way that made Severus feel warm all over, like a blanket was being placed around his shoulders on a cold winter day.

 

Harry was amazing. Severus could not catalog all the things that he felt in the young man’s company. He could go to unimaginable extremes in a short period of time, from the thrill of an unbelievable orgasm to the comfort of the afterglow.

 

Severus looked down at his own body and the flushing intensified exponentially because now there was desire and shame warring within him and he simply could not master his own emotions. Any control measure he once had had been taken from him.

 

This week was extremely difficult. He did not know if he could endure living this way much longer, being ruled by emotions that he always fought tooth-and-nail to keep enclosed.

 

How could such a young man bring him to this physical state with just a simple touch or hoarsely whispered words? How could Harry make him so desirous of something he had never even known before?

 

A raging erection was currently tenting his gray wool pants and he tried to remember why he did not wear underwear today like every other day.

 

His memory was in tatters, his routine was destroyed and a piece of him could not be brought to care about decorum, while another piece was begging for him to get a grip on his emotions. The rational part was, obviously, losing.

 

Harry pressed his lips to Severus' ear and the man did not hide his pleasure nor the shudder that ran through him, the hairs on his neck prickling in anticipation of more.

 

"There is no shame in wanting do such things, Severus. You'll be mine and I'll be yours in every way imaginable. Consider it like a class. We are learning anatomy with each other."

 

Severus chuckled.

 

"So, I finally found a subject in which you apply yourself diligently. I'm not surprised that-"

 

Harry bit Severus' earlobe and then sucked it, effectively cutting off any thought that Severus might have imparted. The Potions Master's body went limp, as if all his bones were made of jelly. His head fell on Harry's shoulders as one of his young lover’s hands snaked around his waist, holding him tight.

 

Both were locked in the kind of embrace that Severus never thought he would share with another human being. Harry spread kisses across his shoulder, with firmness now, no longer a simple caress. Severus wondered how Harry managed to keep lust and affection so completely balanced. It was incredible.

 

"My memory is failing." Severus confessed, his baritone voice reverberating through the room. He felt Harry suck in a sharp breath.

 

"That should not be happening yet. The mediwizard assured me that we would have some time before your mind began a-...”

 

Harry bit off the word, but the silence was so full of meaning that Severus understood what was unspoken.

 

He squirmed until he could bury his face in Harry's neck, his body bending to fit the smaller frame.

 

"Began to degenerate, that's what you started to say. Degenerate, to change to a lesser state or qualitatively inferior status, decline, ruin. I can remember that and of all potions that I have ever made, all of the alchemies and spells that I’ve created throughout my life, but I'm losing the faces and names-transpose of people, Harry. I can no longer remember my mother's face, but I know that I had one. She was in my thoughts all the time just this last week, I know that… but I can't remember her face any longer. I think I had a father too, but the face in my memory is very different from my own. He has sparkling blue eyes. He can’t possibly be my biological father. I was adopted?"

 

Harry’s breath was coming with more difficulty now as his throat tightened painfully, fear clung to his skin and a dull ache had begun to build in his head. Merlin, it was too early, too early for this.

 

Harry tried to keep his calm exterior, while he fought the rising panic inside. He returned to petting Severus' hair.

 

_Merlin, how could I be thinking with my dick?  Getting excited… Preparing to make love and all the while Severus was deteriorating before my eyes and I didn’t even notice._ Harry felt guilty tears pooling in his eyes, but he forced himself not to let them fall.

 

"That was Albus Dumbledore. Does the name remind you of anything?”

 

Severus blinked a few times, a sharp pang gnawing in his chest, but he could not match the name to a face, though there were still feelings associated with it that he could easily describe.

 

"It reminds me of tea, doubtful candies, affection and warmth, but also makes me feel anger and abandonment. Albus Dumbledore was my father?” Severus asked hopefully, chasing any trace of the things he was rapidly losing.

 

Harry's hand hesitated in its path through the dark hair for a moment, then continued the soothing rhythm of the caress.

 

"Yes Severus, for all intents and purposes, he was your father.

 

Severus sighed in relief and smiled at Harry. The smile that Harry returned was less than true, but Severus did not notice.

 

(xxx)

 

Once Severus was in the bath, Harry seized the moment to Floo call Hermione. The woman's head appeared quickly, her hair in a formal bun. She was going to work and just stopped at the door when she heard the hearth fire sparking to life.

 

"Harry, are you okay?" She asked when she saw the expression on her friend’s face.

 

Harry began pacing in front of the fireplace from one side to the other, so Hermione stepped through to try and calm her frantic friend.

 

"Severus is losing his memory. It's too early for that, Hermione. The Ritual will be made next week, but if we wait much... If we wait... Oh my God! He could have permanent damage. The Ritual could not even work depending of the state of mental degeneration. I did not realize. I should have noticed, but I didn’t see what was really happening right under my nose."

 

Hermione watched Harry's angry march as her mind organized new plans.

 

"Now, I don’t even know how much of what we've shared was really consensual. Because of the curse, he is now a mentally unbalanced person. The mediwizard told me. He told me to be careful, but I love him so much and, Merlin, I just got carried away! I took a dubious consent for granted because I wanted it Hermione, I’ve wanted it for so long, and I let myself get carried away!”

 

Hermione breathed deeply after hearing Harry's guilt-ridden rant.

 

"Stop blaming yourself. We have to think, there is no time to mourn now. How do you know he's lost memories?"

 

"He told me." Harry said, forcing himself to calm down and be as objective as he could given the distressing situation.

 

"And what has he forgotten?”

 

"His mother's face and Dumbledore's name. He says he can remember every potion he made, and can associate the name with the feelings I believe he felt in the presence of Albus, but I don’t think he managed to reconcile the name with any face in his memory.”

 

"So emotional memory is intact, but the declarative memory and semantics seem to be affected. Yes, this is bad and unexpected; and no, we can not wait any longer. Harry, calm down! Try to permanently imprint your footprints onto Severus’ floor will not change the facts."

 

The sound of broken glass echoed from Severus' room, sending the two wizards running. Severus was crouched at the foot of the bed wrapped in a white bathrobe, his hands pressing tightly against his ears while he rocked back and forth, muttering desperate inconsistencies.

 

"Oh my God..." Hermione looked around, appalled by the bedroom walls that once were white.

 

There was blood everywhere. The body of a jaguar cub hung over the center of the bed, its blood dripping onto sheets, the bright red staining the light satin.

 

The words "traitor", "filthy" and "murderer" were written on all the walls with the fresh blood as well to seal a spell of some kind. Harry could feel the trace of magic from someone that he knew, but not enough to remember who.

 

"Call Ron now!" He shouted at Hermione, as he ran toward Severus, his wand at the ready to protect the frantic man. Doing a quick scan with his magic, Harry realized that the perpetrator of the monstrous and cruel act was no longer on the property.

 

"Who did this Severus? Who did this?" Harry tried to embrace Severus, but he screamed and crawled away from him in response, hiding between the dresser and the wall.

 

"Severus? Severus... Please, I will not hurt you." Harry said, his heart breaking into a thousand pieces.

 

Harry spoke in a tone one would use to calm a wild animal, and after nearly a minute of coaxing Severus finally looked up.

 

Dread filled Harry when the next words confirmed that the Potions Master was indeed in a much more advanced stage than they imagined.

 

"What are you doing here? You better hide before my father comes back. If he catches you here, he'll punish me. I do not want to be spanked again"

 

Placing a hand over his mouth to stifle the sob that wanted to climb up his throat, all Harry could do was stare at the incoherent creature now in front of him that once was Severus Snape.

**To be continued...**

****   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where the bond finally happen ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for delay. I'm working so much and it's hard to balance work, marriage, social life and still remain time to write. The problem is not lack of inspiration, that I have, but it is lack of time. When there is time, there is so much fatigue that I can not make me write. Forgive me, you deserve more than that, but I promise to go into the end.
> 
> My special thanks is for the smart, sensitive, great, best, best of all beta: MyfirstistheFourth. Go read her stories. You'll be completely addicted hahaha
> 
> Kisses!

**Chapter 11**

**Bond**

  
  


Everything was prepared as precisely as possible considering they had to work in a hurry. The timing was not ideal, the arithmancy calculations were incorrect and the moon was not the most propitious.

 

Severus rested, now under the influence of a strong dreamless sleep potion. Harry remained heartbroken, but focused on the task at hand.

 

Ron had exhausted every reasonable step, in his attempts to find out who had committed the atrocity in Severus's room. The matter was complicated when he had to consider two possibilities: either someone extremely powerful invaded the mansion, or someone in whom they had implicit trust had gotten around the wards while Harry and Hermione were there. Ron, however, did not give voice to this theory because Harry needed a clear head at the moment. Severus was his priority now and the search for the intruder could wait.

 

His friend needed all of his concentration and strength for the older Slytherin and this last shot at saving him. There was no time left to delay or make senseless mistakes. Ron kept the faith that, when all was said and done, the happiness that his friend deserved would be their reward.

 

(***)

 

Harry sat on the edge of the bed, his hand firmly wrapped around Severus’ long fingers. The look on the young man's face dared anyone to doubt his determination. He would save this man; the man he loved and wanted a future with, the one he intended to share the rest of his life with. No one would stand in the way of him achieving those goals.

 

The Gryffindor swore quietly to himself. As soon as he finished the ritual and settled Severus into their new life, he would hunt down whoever had dared to invade the peace and security of the home where he and Severus first began to share their lives. He hated the unknown person even more than he had hated Voldemort. He had been through so much already, to finally have the man he loved in his arms, with a glimpse of how wonderful a life together could be in that house...that room. But now everything was tainted, stained by an act of senseless violence against a man who had fought so long and hard for Light to win.

 

It was easy to be a hero standing in front of the battle, wielding his sword and girded up for glory, the image that would inspire hope in others, giving them the strength they needed to stand firm in even the darkest of days. But to be rejected and reviled by those you sought to save, continuously undervalued, even scorned, yet still fight for those who spit on you, there lies true courage. Severus was exactly that, the embodiment of courage. Harry loves him, more than he ever imagined it was possible to love someone.

 

Leaning over, Harry tenderly kissed Severus's forehead and ran his fingers through the silky smooth hair.

 

"I love you." The young man whispered, lips pressed against the ivory skin. Gathering all his courage, he got up and went to make the final preparations for the ritual. There was no room for doubt. It would be now, and everything would be alright.

 

It had to be.

 

(***)

 

Harry was beyond anxious, but on the outside he bore a stoic mask. He would not give in to his nerves now. Soon the clock would reach eleven and they would begin the ritual. They were in a forest not far from Severus property, standing within a clearing that made a perfect circle around them . The grass was low and damp with the dew of the night. Harry could hear the soft rustling of branches above his head, where owls and other birds sheltered. The creatures of the forest going about their nightly routines all around the perimeter, but none could breach the repellent magic around the clearing.

 

Ron, Hermione, Severus's healer and Harry were positioned at the cardinal points, dressed in translucent gowns. Each gown was charmed with the runes of healing, bonding, fertility and commitment that glowed faintly over the fabric, keeping time with the beating of their hearts.

 

Severus was naked and in a state of complete dissociation, lying on the ground in the center of the clearing, arms and legs spread so that he was positioned like a Vitruvian man. His mind had drifted away, his body merely running on autopilot without any specific commands from a rational mind. But hope remained, last of all, like a shooting star streaking through the sky at dawn just before the sun breaks over the horizon to illuminate the day, overshadowing the brightness of the moon and celestial bodies.

 

Upon Severus’ chest, the rune Tyr was painted with annatto.  It represented courage, the bravery of the warrior, manliness; the strength, agility, cleverness, and competitiveness of a healthier Severus.  More personally, it represented the loving relationship between Harry and Severus, the sensual and volatile passion they shared.

 

The Beorc rune had been painted with turmeric on Severus’ lower abdomen to empower fertility.  It would focus the magic that would allow Severus to become fertile, allowing him to safely gestate, sustain, and birth the heirs of his owner and companion.

 

Finally the Ing rune was painted in brilliant indigo over Severus’ arms and legs, declaring the closing of old cycles and foreshadowing a successful new beginning.

The dense darkness of the night surrounding them prevented the wizards from seeing each other clearly, save for the faint glow of the runes on their robes, but it didn’t matter now.

 

The magical hourglass hovering high above Severus's body exploded once the hour reached eleven, spreading fairy dust far across the clearing and over each of the humans there.

 

The effect was immediate.

 

Their thoughts were instantly calm and a tide of good feelings swept through their bodies.

 

They did not have to do or say anything, not really. Only someone who was on the other side of the veil could say the unfamiliar words to the mouths and ears of living souls. Their presence and magical energies would be used as a trigger for the start of the Ritual, to open the veil so that nature and magic could flow across realms freely, allowing Severus Snape to finally be cured.

  
  


(***)

 

Try as they might, the wizards could not close their eyes. As terrifying as it was beautiful and sacred.

 

A bright blue line tore through the empty air above where Severus lay quiet and still, the crack expanded, blazing with pure magic, brutal, wild and untamed. The opening widened even more, like a curtain being pulled apart slowly, until a figure could be seen emerging from within, dressed in purple robes covered with constellations of gold, huge beard tied with a bow, half-moon spectacles and celestial blue eyes - Albus Dumbledore.

 

He was not translucent as most ghosts appeared, he seemed real, material, completely alive.

 

Harry felt his eyes fill with tears, not even noticing when the fat, salty drops rolled down his cheeks to wet his beard.

 

Albus hovered a moment before his feet touched the grassy ground. He faced Harry and smiled paternally at the young man, his eyes sparkling with appreciation and gratitude.

 

"Thank you for keeping him alive when I could not, Harry." Albus whispered, a supernatural quality in his voice the only indication that the man truly did not belong to the this carnal plane any longer.

 

Harry wanted to answer, but his lips were closed by magic and his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, yet he did not despair over this, thanks to the effects of the ritual magic. He nodded his head briefly, hoping that his eyes expressed his understanding.

 

Crouching with a grace no longer impeded by his years of age as when he was alive, he sat behind Severus' head and for the first time in hours the Slytherin showed some reaction.

 

His neck arched as his head tilted back to look at the face of his mentor. Albus' wrinkled hands, no longer blackened by the ring’s curse, touched the Potions Master's face with undisguised affection and longing, his fingertips smoothing the brow of the man that he regarded as a son.

 

"Oh my son, my big brave boy. What he did to you is unforgivable, and he will suffer much, my boy, for having done so much harm to someone like you."

 

Severus let out a strangled sound in his throat, but could not speak.

 

"Sssh just listen... I have little time and came here with a mission. I will always be with you, my boy, I shall always be alive in your heart and in your memories, and you will tell your children and grandchildren about me because you have a long and happy life ahead. I'll say the words now, and soon it will be over. You deserve happiness, Severus, never think differently, never let anyone tell you otherwise."

 

Tears now streamed from the eyes of all present, the bittersweet offerings filling the clearing with respect and affection - and oh, so much love on Harry’s part.

 

Albus lifted Severus's trunk, hugging him back against his chest, one hand covering the Tyr Rune while the other covered the Beorc Rune.

 

Sibilant whispers began to echo throughout the clearing, brought by the breath of the winds to surround them. The sound almost becoming a visceral presence as it both entered and exited the broken magic receptacle that was Severus’ body. Harry could hear the rhythmic melody of indistinguishable sounds in his head. The magical energy a visible pulse weaving together the loose threads of Severus’ magic.

 

Suddenly, colored tendrils of magic, thin and small, whirling in spirals like smoke, left the tips of Harry’s fingers.

 

It was like a rainbow, but with colors Harry had never seen nor could even give a name to., He knew the magic was not being stolen from him, he was giving it willingly and with love.

 

The tendrils circled the clearing, forming the infinity symbol between Severus and Harry, representing life, death and the transformation of energy that never ended, rather it merely took on other forms in other realms.

 

Severus' breath came in fast, painful gasps. His lungs burning as he heard Albus' words, although he could not understand them. Cramps wracked his body and he felt the urge to curl into a tight ball, but could not, because Albus's arms bound him with an iron grip. He wanted desperately to scream and cry out.

 

"Healing hurts, my boy." Albus said when his whispers slowed. "But it is final."

 

Severus grit his teeth, and tears flowed from his eyes as his body finally slipped from Albus’ grip and fell to the ground, arching and grunting in pain.

 

His hands scrabbled for anything to ground himself with, but only found grass and dirt beneath his fingers. Unconsciously he began to tear up large clumps of dirt and weeds, his body thrashing like an eel as the cramps grew worse.

 

Severus could have sworn that this unbearable pain was worse than any Crucio, terrible in every way imaginable.

 

The multicolored strands of magic that came from Harry, finally, began to engage Severus wrists, ankles, waist and neck, pressing and shimmering before being absorbed by the Slytherin's skin.

 

The relief Severus felt from receiving Harry's magic was immediate. His body stilled and he lay limply on the ground, breathing becoming shallower, his muscles relaxing as the pain and tension ebbed.

 

He turned his head carefully to the right and looked up, seeing there the young man for whom he had fallen into a complete and dizzying, passionate love. He belonged to the youth now, he could feel it in every pore of his body, and he loved the feeling of belonging. He could sense, both in his mind and heart, that now there was someone who would never let him down. Someone who would always be there to take care of all his needs, allowing him to let go of the iron control that had governed his life.  Now he could simply enjoy the love and happiness he received so readily from Harry.

 

He was not deserving in the least, he thought, but perhaps it's fate. He smiled, a tiny, little smile, eagerly accepting the last thread of magic, red as a blood-filled artery winding its way toward his heart, binding him unconditionally, finally and irrevocably to that beautiful creature who would do anything for him. The man who had proven himself on so many occasions over the past few years.

 

_ I love you… _

 

Severus heard the words within his mind, knowing it was the magical confirmation of the love Harry felt for him, something undeniable as magic revealed the innermost feelings of the young man.

 

_ I love you too… _

 

Severus's magic pulsed back, as if an invisible hand held the thread of red magic that Harry had fed into his heart, and the tips of his imaginary fingers strummed the thread tenderly, causing Harry to fall to his knees in response.

 

"Oh Merlin, Severus!" The Gryffindor said, his voice sounding loud in the previously silent space.

 

"It is done ..." Hermione whispered when she saw Albus fade with a tender smile. "He's healed... It worked. Merlin! It’s worked!"

 

She and everyone present could feel in their bones the renewed magic radiating from Severus, nothing like his old magic, but something completely new, as if he were a new creature - which Hermione believed to be true.

 

When the spell at last released the participants and dissipated in the air, Hermione picked up her wand and speaking in ancient Aramaic, executed a series of intricate movements to send Severus and Harry to the property she had prepared for the latter part of Ritual.

 

She smiled and thanked the gods because finally her dear friends would have the happiness they deserved. She sighed with relief feeling the arms of her husband surround her in an embrace as they heard in the distance the sound of Apparition realizing the intimate moments that would follow and complete the healing process for Severus. 

 

"Once, a bright girl told me that making love in places where magical rituals of love were performed increase a couple’s chance of conception by 99.7%."

 

She smiled into Ron's chest.

 

"If I end up pregnant with twins, I'll kill you, Ronald Weasley."

 

He laughed throatily.

 

"So I'm going to die, very, very happy. I love you." He said kissing Hermione's chin.

 

"I love you too, Ron. I love you too..."

 

**_To be continued…_ **

  
  



End file.
